cheekee.monkee

You'll Think Of Me

2008-07-14T15:13:00.000-04:00

I woke up early this mornin' around 4am
With the moon shinin' bright as headlights on the interstate
I pulled the covers over my head and tried to catch some sleep
But thoughts of us kept keepin' me awake
Ever since you found yourself in someone else's arms
I've been tryin' my best to get along
But that's OK
There's nothin' left to say, but

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothin' left to weather
In fact I feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me

I went out drivin', tryin' to clear my head
I tried to sweep out all the ruins that my emotions left
I guess I'm feelin' just a little tired of this
And all the baggage that seems to still exist
It seems the only blessing I have left to my name
Is not knowin' what we could have been
What we should have been
So

Take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and take your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothin' left to weather
In fact I feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

Someday I'm gonna run across your mind
Don't worry, I'll be fine
I'm gonna be alright
While you're sleepin' with your pride
Wishin' I could hold you tight
I'll be over you
And on with my life

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we have nothin' left to weather
In fact I feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me

So take your records, take your freedom
Take your memories I don't need 'em
Take your space and all your reasons
But you'll think of me
And take your cap and leave my sweater
'Cause we've got nothin' left to weather
In fact I feel a whole lot better
But you'll think of me, you'll think of me, yeah

And you're gonna think of me
Oh someday baby, someday

-Keith Urban

for a friend...

2008-04-11T08:21:00.001-04:00

merry christmas, mommy

i cannot say the words i want for you to hear
i hope this little poem makes it all so very clear
each time you look my way it's so plain to see
nobody in your world is more important then me
sometimes your heart is sad for all you cannot give
most important to know, it is for me that you live
all i know about love i have learned from you
my biggest fan, my mommy and my hero too
you worry it's only me and you, but that's okay
you're all that i need, you'll see that some day
you are there for me when i'm not well
got the best mommy as far as i can tell
you'll see, one day i'll grow up, by your side
we'll look at each other with so much pride
because everything i am i owe to you
i think you're better off with me too
and so together through life we shall go
i will love you forever, this you should know.

my anthem

2008-03-03T10:07:00.004-05:00

Stand Back Up
- Sugarland

Go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
I'm laid out on the floor, but I've been here before,
I may stumble, yeah I might fall,
Only human aren't we all?
I might lose my way, but hear me when I say,

I will stand back up,
You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid, and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

I've been beaten up and bruised,
I've been kicked right off my shoes,
Been down on my knees more times than you'd believe,
When the darkness tries to get me,
There's a light that just won't let me,
It might take my pride, and my tears may fill my eyes,
But I'll stand back up,

I've weathered all these storms,
But I just turn them into wind, so I can fly,
What don't kill you makes you stronger,
When I take my last breath,
That's when I'll just give up,

So, go ahead and take your best shot,
Let 'er rip, give it all you've got,
You might win this round but you can't keep me down,

'Cause I'll stand back up,
And you'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up,

You'll know just the moment when I've had enough,
Sometimes I'm afraid and I don't feel that tough,
But I'll stand back up.

the me you never see

2007-07-22T21:12:00.000-04:00

do you know what it's like to be me
to wait, to wonder to watch and see
lives crumble before you
secrets held within
quick right yourself you're needed again

that girl in the mirror stares back
braces herself, awaits the attack
the hurt rushes in
the tears flow once more
as she frantically races for the door

to run, to hide, to live inside

quickly toss away your pride

the pressure builds

sadness rushes in and takes hold

heart sputters, dies, goes cold.

and now a post...

2007-04-10T17:33:00.000-04:00

the sting of regret
the horror of defeat
an impenetrable
sadness takes hold

wait - step back
clear your head
the big picture
holds the lesson

learn from this
gain strength
establish your
perspective

dissapointment

2007-04-10T17:21:00.000-04:00

a definition: the emotion felt when a strongly held expectation of something desired is not met.

expectations

2007-04-10T17:12:00.000-04:00

a definition: what is considered the most likely to happen. An expectation, which is a belief that is centred on the future, may or may not be realistic. A less advantageous result gives rise to the emotion of disappointment. If something happens that is not at all expected it is a surprise. An expectation about the behavior or performance of another person, expressed to that person, may have the nature of a strong request, or an order.

riding the rut

2006-11-13T13:20:00.000-05:00

as the weight of horror smashes me down the depths of sadness do me in. I'm feeling real sorry for myself, which frustrates me. i just want it all to go away. i don't want to BE a survivor of childhood sexual abuse anymore. yeah okay so we all have our crosses to bear but can i carry someone's cross for a bit? mine has become heavy and i feel i cannot carry it any longer.

i'm tired of always reaching out but then hearing the sound of the wind pass by me as i fall - alone. why would it be any other way though? we are all about me.

damn i'm angry today. at nothing in particular. i feel like standing up and screaming. all these fucking expectations thrown at me. fuck expectations, it only leads to dissapointment. maybe it's time i stop living up to all these expectations. maybe it's my turn to stop giving a shit about everyone.

nobody really gives a fuck about anybody else anyway. it doesn't matter what you do for people, it doesn't matter how long you stay like a fucking stupid loyal dog - nothing is appreciated. be a better person? why bother?

in times of need...

2006-11-08T14:48:00.000-05:00

I wish you and your family the outmost happiness and health.
I hope for you continued strength and good nature
I give you to all the love and encouragement you need.

For this journey may be long
For life maybe unfair or harsh
For fear and pain lurk evermore

Family will gather round and rejoice
Love will be your eternal strength
Friendship guides you through sorrow

And me, my friend will have happy wishes
And you, my friend will know my loyalty
And he, will rise, stonger then before.

- Mona (11/08/2006)

LONG WAY TO HAPPY

2006-11-06T11:44:00.000-05:00

One night to you
Lasted six weeks for me
Just a bitter little pill now
Just to try to go to sleep
No more waking up to innocence
Say hello to hesitance
To everyone I meet
Thanks to you years ago
I guess I'll never know
What love means to me but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

Left my childhood behind
In a roll away bed
Everything was so damn simple
Now I'm losing my head
Trying to cover up the damage
And pad out all the bruises
Do you know I had it
So it didn't hurt to lose it
Didn't hurt to lose it
No but oh
I'll keep on rolling down this road
But I've got a bad, bad feeling

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

Now I'm numb as hell and I can't feel a thing
But don't worry about regret or guilt cause I never knew your name
I just want to thank you
Thank you
From the bottem of my heart
For all the sleepless nights
And for tearing me apart yeah yeah

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way

It's gonna take a long time to love
It's gonna take a lot to hold on
It's gonna be a long, long, long, long way to happy, yeah
Left in the pieces that you broke me into
Torn apart but now I've got to
Keep on rolling like a stone
Cause it's gonna be a long long way to happy

-Pink

at one

2006-10-27T08:40:00.000-04:00

here we wonder
there we wane
sit back relax
let peace
take over again

circle of friends

2006-10-16T09:30:00.000-04:00

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends on you touching ground with us.
But, I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody elseit seems.
And I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.
And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say goodbye.
Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet -- the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are-
that means you and....
I quit -- I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.
And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say...
Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around.

--Edie Brickell

the stars

2006-10-15T00:31:00.000-04:00

this is my horoscope for today ... it ties in sweetly to my previous post .. BTW my friend is also an aries!

Aries (March 21 — April 20)

Since nothing in this world ever stays in balance, it leaves us no choice but to accept a state of perpetual imbalance. Having recently swung to one extreme, events are causing you to lurch back in the opposite direction. Stick with it. Stability will return.

time marches on

2006-10-14T23:16:00.000-04:00

okay so i have this best friend, we've been best friends since high school ... she lives in the U.S. with her family (consisting of husband, son, unborn daughter and dog). i love her like nobody's business. our lives are in such different places though. that's no problem, it happens right? well it's all okay until i come to visit - the problem is that they are all in bed by 10pm and i'm usually going out then, hey i'm a single 30-something chick - this is the life i choose. the problem is that i'm bored out of my freakin mind when i'm here because she is usually working all day or at the very least on the phone with work. so the evenings give way to a great dinner and maybe some cards, that's the excitement of it!

i should be happy just to see her, i know but i'm not anymore. i know it's selfish but sometimes i'd really just like to hang out with her. without all the distractions. that would be possible if she ever came to visit me, oh wait there was that one time...

it bothers me more then i have ever admitted that she thinks because i'm single i should be leaving my life for a week to come here and watch hers. it sounds horrible and i feel about that guilty but it's gotta stop! i'm starting to become resentful of it all.

oh yeah it's best when i visit and their fighting. i'm not sure which is worse the fighting or the over indulgent making up; where everything is about them and oh wait here i am on the outside. it's just become too much and it needs to stop.

she's having a baby in november and i'll visit for the weekend then, but after that ... the ball is in her court. i won't be back for quite awhile. i feel that we're growing apart and i'm not sure there's much that can be done about it right now. she needs to be here for her family but i don't. if when i came here we chatted or did something; maybe that wouldn't be so bad but most of my time is spent with either her husband or her son (or both) and the rest of the time is spent with the whole family. it's not fun anymore. okay it never really was but i love her.

i'm not saying the frienship is ending because it's not - i'm saying it's changing. these are all her changes but somehow i'm suppose to make up for them. perhaps that's what a bestfriend is for but 5 years later - i'm about done.

“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”

i added the above quote .. because it is exactly how i feel right now. we are walking in very opposite directions but still i will not leave her nor will she leave me. i need to live my life for me. she knows something is changing as well, she has become jealous and somewhat concerned that i'm done with her. however, instead of enjoying the time we could have spent together; she was doing everything other then that. whatever game we were playing is not a game either of us are going to win. i'm sad and it feels like even when we're in the same room we are miles apart.

greet the day

2006-10-13T08:30:00.000-04:00

Almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
--Steve Jobs

...very well put, it's really too bad we don't enjoy what we have when we have it! always too busy trying to figure out what else we could have, why we don't have it and how we can go about getting it! what a complete waste of time. if you do nothing - always enjoy the people you are surrounded by; there will come a time they will not be around.

my niece explained to me that her biggest worry is that she is fat. okay so she's turning 13 and is nowhere near even chubby. why is that the biggest concern of a girl her age? i guess that's what comes of living in a world of excess. we have no basic needs to concern ourselves with any more. no fields to sow. we are living in a world of too much: too much time, too much food, too much money, too much things ... we are losing track at a rapid rate of what's important.

if you do anything today - take stock of what/who you really couldn't live without and act accordingly. admittedly, this is hard to remember every minute of every day but i try to remember this whenever i can.

as the wagon arrives

2006-10-04T20:18:00.000-04:00

so here i am 33 and still the monsters hold me tight. just when i think i've broken free enough to move on. they sit in waiting for just one weakness, one small window to be cracked.

i guess if i weren't 33 i could still blame them - i can't. it's all on me now and i'm just not strong enough sometimes. all it takes a marginal images of doubt and my self-esteem already slipping; slips, falls and makes a fool of itself. so needy. never enough love to combat the violence i inflict upon myself.

i know better - i do. i've said all the things to young girls. expecting them to believe something i cannot! it's hard to know how to build a self when that self was rendered damaged so long before it ever had a chance to develop. who would i have been? i don't care. it made me who i am today and so much of that is good. it's the yearly lapses that just take hold. always around the same time and i'm also caught unaware. how is that possible? every year i think - no, i think i'm good to go - no sign of pain and torment and then they arrive in their wagon of guilt and shame, kicking up dust laced with anger and self-hate.

i never ask for help - my job is to help. who can i ask? who wants to listen to all this bullshit?! i don't anymore. i just want it all to go away. i want to wake up tomorrow and not be an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. can't i just have that? just that! i don't need to be rich or pretty or fall in love even or have kids or have a house or have much of anything but just that one thing i know i can never have...that's all that i desire. to wake up, look in the mirror and not see that little girl that was raped, abused and left. i was like that old dirty rag that well you may as well use one more time - it's already damaged. that's me damaged

on into the abyss

2006-10-04T09:15:00.000-04:00

the darkness surrounds me
threatens to swallow me whole
to take to hold of my senses

the struggle has worn on me
once a fight of brute strength
a mental match of sorts unfolds

my anger the king
my pain the queen
my confidence the rook

i teeter and i totter
one mood to the next
on into the abyss

Meditation of the Day

2006-09-19T15:36:00.000-04:00

I am building myself. There are many roots. I plant, I pick, I prune. I consume."
--Wendy Rose, HOPI/MIWOK

The most sacred thing on this Mother Earth is life. My life on this earth is governed by God's laws, principles and spiritual values. These things are my roots. Let me see Your gifts of growing and becoming a spiritual warrior. Make my strength based on values - spiritual values; on principles and laws, the laws of God that really run the universe. We need to realize the seeds we plant in the spring will be what shows up in our summer season of growth and will be the fruits that we will harvest in our fall season. We really have a lot to do with what shows up in our lives.

a report from the wayside

2006-09-12T12:21:00.000-04:00

i'm not posting...it comes in fits. i seem to have lost my voice for the time being, it's been too long. i need to force myself back out of my head. are my thoughts, history, etc... a quaility public read; naw not really. but this is not about y'all.

i'm standing up and back from all that has happened in the last bit of 2005 and all that has transpired in 2006. so much beyond my control. that's what about life, i find hard - my niece is out of control, my sister spiraling into a depression she doesn't seem to realize she is in, nor does she realize she is taking her kids down with her. abusive live-in who's absolute uselessness has got to win him some sort of anti-award.

why am i so frustrated with things the way they are? i never have an accurate guage on how to judge how others feel about me. it has always has been a struggle for me to figure that out. i have to rely on what i'm told and what happens when you're never told? why do i care about it at all? i don't fuckin' know!

being alone is the best place to be (Edie Brickell) ... i'm at odds with myself; it's much more simple for me to be alone but something in me craves peoples attention and affections, almost like there's never enough of it. but i don't want to seem desperate so i hold it all in and back. no wonder my stomach is a mess!

the above bit was all from a time long ago .. however the setiment is the same still. i am a little more at peace BUT the same frustrations exsist. rather then write a whole new post (which i really need to get back to) i'm just going to continue on with this one.

work is overwhelming at best and my social life is leaving me feeling very unsocial. romantic life ... after 7 years it's finally alive! the interest is there ... but that's as far as i've gotten thus far. i'm still very tentative but it's a start.

i feel like i'm on the outside and everyone is having a merry ol' party without me. the worst part is i know it's all my own doing. i just don't allow myself to get close to or trust these days ... this is not helpful when dating. here is where the rebuilding starts...

random meditation

2006-05-14T23:02:00.000-04:00

If we force our breath to be too long or too short
we're not balanced, the mind won't be at peace.
Don't get concerned over how long or short,
weak or strong it is, just note it.
Know it's there.
Simply let it be.

Vipassana

as it lays upon me

2006-05-14T22:37:00.000-04:00

the virtue of truth unfolds
the river swells with hunger
as the shore envelopes,
caresses then returns it.

Live and let be!

2006-04-05T14:30:00.000-04:00

taken from the headlines....

Tories to hold free vote on same-sex marriage
Updated Wed. Apr. 5 2006 12:43 PM ET

Canadian Press

OTTAWA — The federal Conservatives say they will follow through on a campaign promise to hold a free vote in the House of Commons on same-sex marriage.

While the issue was not mentioned in Tuesday's throne speech, Justice Minister Vic Toews says the vote will be held "sooner rather than later."

The Tory campaign platform says if MPs vote to overturn same-sex marriage, a bill will be introduced to restrict marriage to unions between men and women.

A gay rights lobby group is urging the Tories to drop the plan.

Canadian for Equal Marriage says most Canadians feel the issue should be put to rest.

Already? It seems the Conversatives do not plan to hold office for long. Is this really what we need to be focusing on? We have troops dying in a war we have no business being in, full cultures are being wiped out, children are dying in a horrible violent way, our climate is stuggling for breath. And here stands our government making true on the ONE PROMISE we would like the to leave be. When did government stop being ruled by the people? Did we ever truly get a say?

Why do we care so freakin much what people do in their beds? Why is this an issue? Live free as long as you hurt noone. Why do we NEED to define the term marriage? Who really gives a shit?! The times they are a changin, intolerance needs to be illiminated and nothing more.

Updates will be posted as they happen.

Bill Gates Speaks

2006-04-04T10:54:00.000-04:00

Love him or hate him, he sure hits the nail on the head with this!

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1: Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2: The world won't care about your self-esteem. The
world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE
you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3: You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high
school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you
earn both.

Rule 4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait till you get a boss.

Rule 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your
Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they
called it opportunity.

Rule 6: If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault, so don't
whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7: Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring
as they are now. They got that way from paying your bills,
cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool
you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from
the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the close
in your own room.

Rule 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9: Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. DO that on your own time.

Rule 10: Television is NOT real life. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11: Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Is morality God-given or simply human intuition?

2006-01-12T11:38:00.000-05:00

It's not blasphemous to believe the ability to tell right from wrong is the result of the millions of years our ancestors lived as social mammals, some academics say

By Marc Hauser and Peter Singer

Tuesday, Jan 10, 2006,Page 9

Is religion necessary for morality? Many people consider it outrageous, perhaps even blasphemous, to deny the divine origin of morality. Either some divine being crafted our moral sense, or we picked it up from the teachings of organized religion. Either way, we need religion to curb nature's vices. Paraphrasing Katherine Hepburn in the movie The African Queen, religion allows us to rise above wicked old Mother Nature, handing us a moral compass.

Yet problems abound for the view that morality comes from God. One problem is that we cannot, without lapsing into tautology, simultaneously say that God is good, and that he gave us our sense of good and bad. For then we are simply saying that God meets God's standards.

A second problem is that there are no moral principles that are shared by all religious people, regardless of their specific beliefs, but by no agnostics and atheists. Indeed, atheists and agnostics do not behave less morally than religious believers, even if their virtuous acts rest on different principles. Non-believers often have as strong and sound a sense of right and wrong as anyone, and have worked to abolish slavery and contributed to other efforts to alleviate human suffering.

The opposite is also true. Religion has led people to commit a long litany of horrendous crimes, from God's command to Moses to slaughter the Midianites -- men, women, boys, and non-virginal girls -- through the Crusades, the Inquisition, innumerable conflicts between Sunni and Shiite Muslims, and suicide bombers convinced that martyrdom will lead them straight to paradise.

The third difficulty for the view that morality is rooted in religion is that some elements of morality seem to be universal, despite sharp doctrinal differences among the world's major religions. In fact, these elements extend even to cultures like China, where religion is less significant than philosophical outlooks like Confucianism.

Perhaps a divine creator handed us these universal elements at the moment of creation. But an alternative explanation, consistent with the facts of biology and geology, is that over millions of years we have evolved a moral faculty that generates intuitions about right and wrong.

For the first time, research in the cognitive sciences, building on theoretical arguments emerging from moral philosophy, has made it possible to resolve the ancient dispute about the origin and nature of morality.

Consider the following three scenarios. For each, fill in the blank space with "obligatory," "permissible," or "forbidden."

1. A runaway boxcar is about to run over five people walking on the tracks. A railroad worker is standing next to a switch that can turn the boxcar onto a side track, killing one person, but allowing the five to survive. Flipping the switch is ______.

2. You pass by a small child drowning in a shallow pond, and you are the only one around. If you pick up the child, she will survive and your pants will be ruined. Picking up the child is _______.

3. Five people have just been rushed into a hospital in critical condition, each requiring an organ to survive. There is not enough time to request organs from outside the hospital, but there is a healthy person in the hospital's waiting room. If the surgeon takes this person's organs, he will die, but the five in critical care will survive. Taking the healthy person's organs is _______.

If you judged case 1 as permissible, case 2 as obligatory, and case 3 as forbidden, then you are like the 1,500 subjects around the world who responded to these dilemmas on a Web-based moral sense test (www.moral.wjh.harvard.edu). If morality is God's word, atheists should judge these cases differently from religious people, and their responses should rely on different types of justification.

For example, because atheists supposedly lack a moral compass, they should be guided by pure self-interest and walk by the drowning child. But there were no statistically significant differences between subjects with or without religious backgrounds, with approximately 90 percent of subjects saying that it is permissible to flip the switch on the boxcar, 97 percent saying that it is obligatory to rescue the baby, and 97 percent saying that is forbidden to remove the healthy man's organs.

When asked to justify why some cases are permissible and others forbidden, subjects are either clueless or offer explanations that cannot account for the relevant differences. Importantly, those with a religious background are as clueless or incoherent as atheists.

These studies provide empirical support for the idea that, like other psychological faculties of the mind, including language and mathematics, we are all endowed with a moral faculty that guides our intuitive judgments of right and wrong. These intuitions reflect the outcome of millions of years in which our ancestors have lived as social mammals, and are part of our common inheritance.

Our evolved intuitions do not necessarily give us the correct or consistent answers to moral dilemmas. What was good for our ancestors may not be good today. But insights into the changing moral landscape, in which issues like animal rights, abortion, euthanasia and international aid have come to the fore, have not come from religion, but from careful reflection on humanity and what we consider a life well lived.

In this respect, it is important for us to be aware of the universal set of moral intuitions so that we can reflect on them and, if we choose, act contrary to them. We can do this without blasphemy, because it is our own nature, not God, that is the source of our morality.

Marc Hauser is professor of psychology and director of the Primate Cognitive Neuroscience Laboratory at Harvard University. Peter Singer is professor of bioethics at Princeton University.

Poverty Stats

2006-01-11T16:09:00.000-05:00

According to NetAid, over a billion people, or roughly one in six, live in extreme poverty. Extreme poverty is defined as living on less than US$1 a day.

The World Bank goes on to define moderate poverty as basic subsistence living, on $1 to $2 a day. All told, nearly half the world's population lives in poverty -- that's 2.8 billion people living on less than two dollars a day.

Some other facts to keep in mind:

Each year over 8 million people die because they are simply too poor to stay alive.

More than 800 million people go hungry every day.

The gross domestic product of the poorest 48 nations is less than the wealth of the world's three richest people.

Thirty-thousand children die every day due to hunger and treatable illnesses.

6 million children die every year before their fifth birthday, as a result of malnutrition.

You can find detailed poverty assessments of specific geographical regions on the World Bank's PovertyNet. And if you're interested in learning how the World Bank comes up with its poverty statistics, take a look at PovcalNet.

The goal of the Millennium Campaign is to reduce by half the proportion of people living on less than a dollar a day by 2015. And the aim of the One Campaign is to direct an additional 1 percent of the United States budget towards eradicating global poverty.

taken from Yahoo Answers...Wednesday January 11, 2006

Top 100 Cities of the World by Population

2005-12-16T09:14:00.000-05:00

Top 100 Cities of the World
Ranked by population

NOTE:
Numbers shown include population within the recognized metro area of the city, and they include people living in the immediate surrounding area outside of the established border of the city.

1. Tokyo, Japan - 28,025,000
2. Mexico City, Mexico - 18,131,000
3. Mumbai, India - 18,042,000
4. Sáo Paulo, Brazil - 17, 711,000
5. New York City, USA - 16,626,000
6. Shanghai, China - 14,173,000
7. Lagos, Nigeria - 13,488,000
8. Los Angeles, USA - 13,129,000
9. Calcutta, India - 12,900,000
10. Buenos Aires, Argentina - 12,431,000
11. Seóul, South Korea - 12,215,000
12. Beijing, China - 12,033,000
13. Karachi, Pakistan - 11,774,000
14. Delhi, India - 11,680,000
15. Dhaka, Bangladesh - 10,979,000
16. Manila, Philippines - 10,818,000
17. Cairo, Egypt - 10,772,000
18. Õsaka, Japan - 10,609,000
19. Rio de Janeiro, Brazil - 10,556,000
20. Tianjin, China - 10,239,000
21. Jakarta, Indonesia - 9,815,000
22. Paris, France - 9,638,000
23. Istanbul, Turkey - 9,413,000
24. Moscow, Russian Fed. - 9,299,000
25. London, United Kingdom - 7,640,000
26. Lima, Peru - 7,443,000
27. Tehrãn, Iran - 7,380,000
28. Bangkok, Thailand - 7,221,000
29. Chicago, USA - 6,945,000
30. Bogotá, Colombia - 6,834,000
31. Hyderabad, India - 6,833,000
32. Chennai, India - 6,639,000
33. Essen, Germany - 6,559,000
34. Hangzhou, China - 6,389,000
35. Hong Kong, China - 6,097,000
36. Lahore, Pakistan - 6,030,000
37. Shenyang, China - 5,681,000
38. Changchun, China - 5,566,000
39. Bangalore, India - 5,544,000
40. Harbin, China - 5,475,000
41. Chengdu, China - 5,293,000
42. Santiago, Chile - 5,261,000
43. Guangzhou, China - 5,162,000
44. St. Petersburg, Russian Fed. - 5,132,000
45. Kinshasa, DRC - 5,068,000
46. Baghdãd, Iraq - 4,796,000
47. Jinan, China - 4,789,000
48. Wuhan, China - 4,750,000
49. Toronto, Canada - 4,657,000
50. Yangon, Myanmar (Burma) - 4,458,000
51. Alger, Algeria - 4,447,000
52. Philadelphia, USA - 4,398,000
53. Qingdao, China - 4,376,000
54. Milano, Italy - 4,251,000
55. Pusan, South Korea - 4,239,000
56. Belo Horizonte, Brazil - 4,160,000
57. Almadabad, India - 4,154,000
58. Madrid, Spain - 4,072,000
59. San Francisco, USA - 4,051,000
60. Alexandria, Egypt - 3,995,000
61. Washington DC, USA - 3,927,000
62. Houston, USA - 3,918,000
63. Dallas, USA - 3,912,000
64. Guadalajara, Mexico - 3,908,000
65. Chongging, China - 3,896,000
66. Medellin, Colombia - 3,831,000
67. Detroit, USA - 3,785,000
68. Handan, China - 3,763,000
69. Frankfurt, Germany - 3,700,000
70. Porto Alegre, Brazil - 3,699,000
71. Hanoi, Vietnam - 3,678,000
72. Sydney, Australia - 3,665,000
73. Santo Domingo, Dom. Rep. - 3,601,000
74. Singapore, Singapore - 3,587,000
75. Casablanca, Morocco - 3,535,000
76. Katowice, Poland - 3,488,000
77. Pune, India - 3,485,000
78. Bangdung, Indonesia - 3,420,000
79. Monterrey, Mexico - 3,416,000
80. Montréal, Canada - 3,401,000
81. Nagoya, Japan - 3,377,000
82. Nanjing, China - 3,375,000
83. Abidjan, Côte d'Ivoire - 3,359,000
84. Xi'an, China - 3,352,000
85. Berlin, Germany - 3,337,000
86. Riyadh, Saudi Arabia - 3,328,000
87. Recife, Brazil - 3,307,000
88. Dusseldorf, Germany - 3,251,000
89. Ankara, Turkey - 3,190,000
90. Melbourne, Australia - 3,188,000
91. Salvador, Brazil - 3,180,000
92. Dalian, China - 3,153,000
93. Caracas, Venezuela - 3,153,000
94. Adis Abeba, Ethiopia - 3,112,000
95. Athina, Greece - 3,103,000
96. Cape Town, South Africa - 3,092,000
97. Koln, Germany - 3.067,000
98. Maputo, Mozambique - 3,017,000
99. Napoli, Italy - 3,012,000
100. Fortaleza, Brazil - 3,007,000

Racism & the Death Penalty

2005-12-15T11:16:00.000-05:00

Racism Spares the Killers of Blacks

Commentary, Michael Kroll,
New America Media, Dec 14, 2005

Editor's Note: In a tense juvenile hall in California following the execution of Stanley "Tookie" Williams, the writer explores with several youths the prejudices exposed by death penalty statistics. Had Williams killed four black people, he would likely be alive today.

SAN FRANCISCO--Because I conduct writing workshops every week in juvenile hall, and because I have far more experience with the death penalty than any civilized person should have, I was asked to come into the maximum control units of one Bay Area County juvenile hall on Tuesday morning, Dec. 13, to help diffuse the anticipated emotion generated by the execution just hours before of Stanley Tookie Williams.

For many -- especially the African-American young men who comprise the majority of the children locked away in this juvenile hall -- Mr. Williams was a kind of folk hero. Most had read one or more of the books he wrote on death row urging youths to abandon their gang affiliations and to recognize the humanity that each of us possesses. Almost all had heard the thoughtful interviews he did on various radio shows. A few had even spoken with him on the phone when a staff person had arranged a call from death row.

To prepare for my standup routine, I went through California's recent experiences with executions and came up with some startling statistics I thought these young men in particular would find relevant. Since the modern era of executions was inaugurated in California with the gassing of Robert Harris in 1992, the state has put to death 12 men. Mr. Williams' execution marks only the second time an African-American was the victim of the death chamber. (In addition, eight of the 12 were white; one was Asian; and one was Native American.)

My listeners were surprised to learn that the majority of those we Californians have put to death have been white. But they were astonished when I added this statistic: Among the 27 victims of these 12 condemned prisoners, not a single one was African-American! (Five were Asian; three were Latinos; and 19 were white.)

The shameful truth is that had Mr. Williams' four victims been black, the overwhelming likelihood is that he would still be alive today, one of the many anonymous convicted murderers who occupy our state prisons.

The fact that not a single person has been executed in this state for killing an African-American is consistent with studies across the country that show the death penalty is reserved primarily for those who kill white people. The California study, "The Impact of Legally Inappropriate Factors on Death Sentencing for California Homicides, 1990-'99," found that 80 percent of executions in California were for killers of whites, though non-Hispanic whites make up just 47 percent of all Californians, according to the 2000 U.S. Census. Those who kill whites are more than four times more likely to be sentenced to death than those who kill Latinos, and over three times more likely to be sentenced to death than those who kill African-Americans.

As African-American young men who have had to negotiate both systemic racism and the mean streets they live on, these young detainees were not surprised to learn that the system devalues blacks. But as the discussion veered from the execution this morning to Saddam Hussein to Hitler, one young man asked me about Jack the Ripper. I told him that those crimes were committed in England more than a century ago, and that the man who did it was never caught. And when I added that his victims were prostitutes, the young African-American said, "Oh well, who cares? They were just prostitutes."

This observation brought the discussion back to where we had begun. When I connected his belief about prostitutes with the first theme -- how the criminal justice system devalues some people by placing extra value on others -- he asked if I were accusing him of racism. I answered: "I am accusing you of ignorance, which is the prerequisite to racism. You have decided a class of people -- prostitutes -- are of less worth than you, just as the criminal justice system decides through its daily decisions that you are worth less than me."

In 1988 in Texas, Judge Jack Hampton sentenced a convicted murderer of two homosexuals to 30 years in prison, announcing as he did: "I put prostitutes and gays at about the same level, and I'd be hard put to give somebody life for killing a prostitute." The ultimate expression of his shocking admission is the fact that not one killer of a black person has been put to death in California in the modern era.

One lesson of war is that if we can objectify our enemies as worth less than us, then we can kill them. It could be prostitutes, as it was for the young man interested in Jack the Ripper; it could be gays as it was for that Texas judge. It could be Arabs or Jews or homeless or ... You fill in the blank. The sad truth is that as long as we classify groups of people under labels that strip them of their individual worth -- whether it's the Crips labeling their victims as "enemies," or the state labeling its victims as "gang bangers," etc., -- we can dispose of them.

Stanley Williams' execution just past midnight is merely the latest expression of our collective prejudices.

PNS contributor Michael Kroll (mkmitigates@hotmail.com) works with incarcerated juveniles who write for The Beat Within, a PNS project. He is the founding director of the Death Penalty Information Center in Washington, D.C.

all by myself

2005-12-14T20:49:00.000-05:00

As long as a man stands in his own way, everything seems to be in his way: government, society, and even the sun, moon and stars.

Henry David Thoreau

i am in danger of this at times. there are momments when for me, it is so much easier to crawl upinside myself and remind myself how it's me against them. i believe i might be leaving this phase now. at least i can recognize and re-organize..right?!

i'm not so much of a phoenix - rising triumphantly from the ashes, more like one of those annoying superbouncy balls - the ones you bounce lightly and travel around the globe and back again.

no nostrils

2005-12-08T15:33:00.000-05:00

had a dream last night that i had no nostrils...no panic...still breathing. when i looked up the meaning of this dream, all i could find was the meaning for seeing your nose in your dream. even though it was on my face, i saw the nostril-less nose; which didn't look like my nose at all.

very strange the fact that i was so calm about not being able to breathe through my nose was of no immediate concern to me, should have calmed me upon awakening.

there has been a lot of stress in my life as of late; both regarding work and perosonal lives. this leads me to believe that not having nostrils or being able to breathe might be a reflection on how i'm feeling right now.

Discipline

2005-12-08T11:39:00.000-05:00

Disciplining yourself to do what you know is right and important,
although difficult, is the highroad to pride, self-esteem, and personal
satisfaction.

Brian Tracy
(Canadian-born American trainer, speaker, author, businessman)

Karla Homolka Free?

2005-12-07T12:18:00.000-05:00

Woman in Infamous Sex Case Gains Freedom

By Rob Gillies

TORONTO (AP) — A judge Wednesday lifted all restrictions against a woman who served 12 years in prison for her role in the rape and murder of three teenagers, considered one Canada's most notorious crimes.

The ruling by Quebec Superior Justice James Brunton means Karla Homolka, who was convicted of manslaughter in 1993, does not have to report regularly to police, can go where she wants and see whom she pleases.

Homolka, 35, received the relatively light sentence of 12 years in prison for helping her ex-husband rape and murder teenagers Kristen French, 15, and Leslie Mahaffy, 14, in the early 1990s.

In return, she agreed to testify against ex-husband Paul Bernardo, a Toronto bookkeeper serving a life term in an Ontario prison for two counts of first-degree murder.

In sentencing Homolka, the court also considered her role in the 1990 death of her 15-year-old sister, Tammy, who died on Christmas Eve after Homolka held a drug-soaked cloth over her face while Bernardo raped her.

Homolka told the court and psychiatrists she was a battered wife who took part in the rapes and murders to protect herself and her family.

Months after prosecutors made the plea bargain, however, Bernardo's attorneys handed over homemade videotapes by the couple that indicated Homolka was a willing participant, drawing the ire of Canadians.

When she was released in July, a Superior Court judge in Montreal imposed several restrictions, which her lawyers argued violated the plea bargain agreement.

"The possibility that Ms. (Homolka) might reoffend one day cannot be completely eliminated," Brunton wrote.

"However, her development over the last 12 years demonstrates, on a balance of probabilities, that this is unlikely to occur. She does not represent a real and imminent danger."

Tim Danson, the lawyer representing the victims' families, said his clients were stunned by Wednesday's ruling.

"That one could conclude that Karla Homolka does not represent a serious threat to public safety is simply unacceptable to the families," he said.

Ontario Attorney General Michael Bryant said he was disappointed and hopes the decision will be appealed.

Homolka is believed to be living in the Montreal area. Her lawyer, Sylvie Bordelais, said she was "pleased" by the ruling.

taken from: crimelibrary.com
-------------------
WTF? Since when do we let sociopaths walk around unchecked? This is just crazytalk, anyone who can rape and kill her own sister is a threat to everyone else. Karla has raped many young girls, she did not just provide the medication to drug them she ACTIVELY partipated.

If the judge that determined she is not a threat to the community, truly believes it; he should invite her to dinner at her house with his young daughters. Why not move her in and let her be your nanny or your house keeper?

If Karla were Karl; would he be released? NO! Would he be given true freedom if he were in fact released? NO!! This is a double standard that exists in our court system and it needs to be addressed. Just because women bear children, are generally childcare providers and are suppose to have some sort of 'instinct'....none of this information means that females are incapable of killing for the lust of it.

As for her just 'following' because she was told to...is that not more dangerous? Damn our legal system failed the public, the victims and their families in every aspect imaginable. This will go down as one of our shameful stupidities. Female sociapaths are much more convincing to males in particular, is it possible that the judge was not swayed by his insistence that the crown did not prove that she is a danger to society but rather was convinced by her good looks and suave personality?

I will follow this devolopment and update my blog as news surfaces.

excuses....excuses

2005-12-02T10:24:00.000-05:00

We have more strength than will; and when we say things are
impossible, it is often just excuses we make for ourselves.

Francois De La Rochefoucauld
(1613-1680, French classical writer)

supplementally material

2005-11-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

Work is love made visible. And if you can't work with love but
only with distaste, it is better that you should leave your work and sit
at the gate of the temple and take alms of the people who work with joy.

Kahlil Gibran

(1883-1931, Lebanese poet, novelist)

all the while

2005-11-16T20:33:00.000-05:00

not been around much again...work has so taken over my waking life. it was first that i was busy, then worried as i watched the company i had worked for and the people whom i had come to know as family...fade away. now, new job within part of the same company: same benefits, same office, same pay...much more stress.

i made a fatal mistake - i trusted. why can't i just trust personal friends, no instead, i figure i should trust a souless entity with now morals and no integrity. oh well, now i'm stuck there...yeah i know i could quit - but i just can't afford it. i just need to start looking elsewhere so i can return to myself...and to my blog.

i miss the writing but at the same time i have no creative flow. i've decided to just come here and write...whatever comes to mind...write...keep on writing...

whenever i feel like this...i feel the need for nature. a picture will do sometimes but for the most part i need the real shit. i need the outdoors, i need to bask in the magnificent rays of the sun, the freshness of the coutry air. i think i need to plan a walk by the lake...it's kinda gettin cold here now. i know, i know the cold north is fierce but really the temperature is a tepid 1°C.

let's take a second to appreicate that we are not in Manitoba...

Rosa Parks

2005-10-27T23:37:00.000-04:00

What a phenomenal way to honour one who inspired greatness but lived modestly.

... WASHINGTON (Reuters) - The late civil rights icon Rosa Parks will be the first woman to lie in honor in the U.S. Capitol Rotunda, a tribute usually reserved for presidents, soldiers and politicians.

The U.S. Senate voted on Thursday to honor Parks and the U.S. House of Representatives is set to approve the tribute on Friday...

you can check out the whole article, which includes a bio... Reuters

as i come back

2005-10-27T22:56:00.000-04:00

live a little
laugh a lot
complain
asking is ok

trusting is
trust is...
optional
or is it?

smile back
learn all
teach them
indulge you

let go of...
all of it
possible?
it must be

Clinton Speaks...

2005-10-18T22:28:00.000-04:00

to Toronto, ON. Yeah, okay he earned money to do it but at least his message is positive, please see article:

Western nations can defuse the terrorist threat that looms over wealthy countries by sharing their prosperity with the half of humanity that feels the system "is rigged against them," former U.S. President Bill Clinton said today.

Security policies alone will never thwart the destructive ambitions of terrorist groups like Al Qaeda, Clinton told an audience attending a motivational seminar in Toronto.

"We have no excuse now for not building a world with more partners and fewer terrorists," he said.

"We cannot kill, jail or occupy all of our enemies, we cannot have a security policy only."

Clinton, in Toronto during a speaking tour of three Canadian cities that ends Wednesday in Calgary, spoke of his vision of a more secure and equitable world.

"We have to find a way to reach out to the half of the people in the world who think we don't care about them and, in fact, that we've got the system rigged against them," he told the audience, many who paid as much as $1,300 to attend the day-long event.

"Unless we can do this we can never hope to build a world totally free of terror, or dangerous weapons, or human conflict."

Non-governmental organizations and the Internet will be instrumental in allowing citizens of western countries to affect real change in the developing world, he said.

Clinton noted that charitable donations from individuals, when taken together, outstripped those of governments during the relief effort in the wake of tsunamis that ravaged southeast Asia last year.

Clinton also talked about Toronto's SARS crisis in 2003, which he said illustrated the political power of the Internet.

"When people in Canada were terrified about (SARS) in the beginning, the Chinese government was denying that it was such a big deal," he said. The people of China jammed their government's website, demanding to know the truth about the threat the disease posed.

"The government heard them, and a terrible calamity was avoided. An epidemic that could have killed tens of thousands of people was shut down."

That power will soon enable individuals to bring prosperity to the developing world, he noted.

"We know how to promote economic growth through aid trade and debt relief. We know how to get the 130 million children who aren't in school in school," Clinton said.

"You have the power now to do things citizens in the entire history of humanity have never been able to do, because of the rise of the Internet and the rise of the non-governmental organizations."

..i'll be back soon, i promise...

this is me

2005-09-19T22:22:00.000-04:00

i am creatively dead right now. i will rise again but for now... please enjoy a quote from Rosie's book - Find Me, this is who i am and how i feel. too bad i didn't think of it first. ;)

"i am difficult to love and I know it. I never learned the unconditional part, so trust evades me. Add sex and I fall apart, eventually retreating back into the wamp. Very few people can put up with me, and I can't blame them. I am a constant contradiction. I annoy myself."

thanks rosie.

when you get down to it

2005-09-06T00:32:00.000-04:00

we speak in stereotypes
none of us the slightest aware
tongue in-cheek
political correctology
misleading race-relations
at what basic level
does humanity abound

down deep up in It

2005-08-20T14:07:00.000-04:00

the water still flows
threatens to drag me under
my heart never knows
head and heart asunder

the monkee will return

2005-07-30T14:56:00.000-04:00

just a short post for any regulars i may have left. the summer has been crazy busy - i've made a conscience decision to spend less time infront of my computer and more time with my peeps. much has been going on but i'm having trouble finding the time to write these days.

i hope you are all enjoying the wonderment that is summer. for those that have warm-balmy weather all year long, i say... zerbert! here in Canada we have very extreme weather; winter is very cold and snowy and summer is very hot and humid. winter is my least favourite season of all but it does make me realize how much more i appreciate summer. when you spend 4 months of the year knee deep in snow and cold; when going to end of the driveway means you have put on most of the clothes you own - summer has a special quality about it.

so i'm off to enjoy the season of fun. will write as time permits.

Zimbabwe Situation

2005-07-02T02:24:00.000-04:00

i don't often post websites on this blog and yes i know it's been awhile since my last confession, i mean post. there is so much happening in my world right now. this is not as important or as pressing as what is happening in parts of the world. why are africans turning on one another? who created that divide? are you this tribe or that tribe? this religion or that religion? if you ask me (i know you're not really asking me) it's all fear related propaganda.

why is the white man so afraid? why must all people be in fear? why does the rich white man; yeah okay you can say that it's others but really let's think back for one momment to Rwanda... as i was saying... why do rich white men fear poor people so intensely?

the site Zimbabwe Situation tracks all the goings on in, you guessed it - Zimbabwe. why is this happening all over the world? why is might making right? where do underdeveloped countries get their guns from? how do you massacre your neighbours?!

soon we will become a mixed breed, so colour will no longer have much bearing. then shall we fight over religion some more? how bout geography? why so much hatred and anger? i'm not saying we should all be sitting around the freakin' mulberry bush singing kumbyah but what is going to happen when we really start seperating the classes? look at what they can do with DNA - if they can clone a sheep do you not think that maybe someday; our potential or our bloodline will determine our class system?

the world is going crazier and crazier still. why are the americans still in iraq? why are they looking for other countries to invade? with a show of hands, who really believes the u.s. is in iraq to help them? okay, so then why allow your government to send your young men into slaughter (and to slaughter)? you are the people where is your voice?

jus my coupla cents worth...

world as one

2005-06-14T23:10:00.000-04:00

You don´t even know me, you say that I´m not livin´ fine. You don´t understand me so why do you judge my life? ( You Don't Know Me - Armand Van Helden )

---------------------------

judgements fly about
words spewing from lips
ignorance and hatred
threaten global equality
so fearful of all
they don't know

my world has colour
open arms to all
beautiful hearts
intriguing minds
you do what you do
and i'll be myself

no need for hatred
scorn or intolerance
we are all here
living the life given
needing so fiercely
to belong to be loved

pure joy

2005-06-14T23:01:00.000-04:00

stand up
sit down
rise up
crouch down

embrace the light
withstand the dark

do what you can
be what you must
live who you are
say what you feel

said like it outta be

2005-06-07T22:15:00.000-04:00

"expectations are like mother's milk - essential."
- grandmother (played by Dina Pathak)
Bollywood/Hollywood 2002

stress relief

2005-06-06T00:24:00.000-04:00

bubble wrap your stress away: http://www.nonstop.lv/files/bubblewrap.swf

the towel has been thrown

2005-05-24T16:37:00.000-04:00

no pretty prose
or rhythmic rhyming
just a nerve
an exposed hurt

friendship dangling
much to cumbersome
forever a waste of time

our friendship
based on your mood
not any more
...checkmate

Randrics

2005-05-17T18:36:00.000-04:00

For the life of me I cannot remember
What made us think that we were wise
and we'd never compromise

'Freshman' - The Verve

#

Now we look back and see that she didn't know how
We never thought that we'd get caught up
Stuck in the teenage waste

'Explode' - Nelly Furtado

#

And I'm tired of reflection and warning
Keeping myself at the centre of it all
We lie out of boredom
Just to stall the inevitable

'In The Road' - Weeping Tile

#

The bass, the rock
The mic, the treble
I like my coffee black
Just like my metal

'Shut Me Up' - Mindless Self Indulgence

sometimes

2005-05-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

my jaw
drops
wide open
for
i can't
fathom it
the ignorance
it spills
into the air
a contamination

a broken branch
upon a
crooked
family tree

media machine

2005-05-04T23:08:00.000-04:00

is the media still the machine of the people for the people? Seems more like the media has become what the government and big business use to convince us of whatever they desire?!
People around the world are dying, being slaughtered - nobody is listening to these cries instead we care more for whom is sleeping with whom.

what you don't know can't hurt you - but it can kill others. I read my news online - I will not be distracted by quasitainment news.

How pathetic is it that "sweeps week" creates news (used loosely here) that actually makes it to air? WTF? There is a lot of real news happening. Now we have to search for it.

The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy

2005-05-04T20:34:00.000-04:00

2 Hitchhiker's thumbs way up! I have not been this entertained by a movie in such a long time. I watched the movie last night and wanted to go home and watch it again. Instead, I'm buying the book trilogy. The movie makes reference to the next book in the series: The Restaurant At the End of the Universe.

mos def is a genius. Each movie I see him in I love him more. Okay so I've always been his fan, back in the day before he was an actor, even. Hollywood better take notice because mos def is fantastic. I hope he gets his props for this role.

If you've read the book(s) go the see the movie. Trust me, peeps.

On and on

2005-05-03T00:51:00.000-04:00

Here's the thing about celibacy - sometimes it goes on way too long. I took a vow of celibacy as a means of evaluating my romantic relationships. Here is my problem, as I've come to see it: physically I am interested in men; however I do not trust most men. So that leaves me with an emotional attachment to women. Great that I've figured that out - now what the F*ck to do about it.

I don't think I want to be in a relationship but random acts of sex are not the way to go either. What to do?! What the heck is wrong with me, I'm not even catholic and my level of guilt mongering is ridiculous. This sounds silly but I don't even know how to act available any more. I started high school a bit easy (didn't sleep around a lot but had my share of one-night stands and things of that nature) and ended my 20's in celibacy.

I'm an all or nothing kinda gal!

The end - it cometh

2005-05-01T23:29:00.000-04:00

only 30 minutes to the end of TV Turnoff week. Yes, I missed TV. I enjoyed the week with my friends (both kinds - the ones inside and outside of my head). I read some but mostly I wrote a lot. I had to listen to the dialogue in my own head instead of that of my many TV friends. My bestfriend rode this no TV ride with me and it re-connected us. We talked more on the phone, we actually paid attention to the other person. I have no regrets but I miss it. But not for much longer....

again

2005-04-29T19:49:00.000-04:00

within these momments
i am strong again
i am whole again
this happiness is mine

Bits o' Memory

2005-04-27T00:55:00.000-04:00

It's funny how you remember something sometimes. I have a clear memory of being sat on a judges lap and being asked who I wanted my Daddy to be. I never had however recollected what it was all about. Never until I was 26 that is. My cousin called to tell me one of my aunts missed me and wanted to see me. I was confused, what aunt? That wasn't an aunt I ever remembered meeting. My Dad's sister? Well, no that can't be because all but one of them live in Barbados. The aunt living in the area knows my number. So what aunt do you speak of? Well here's the story - when I was born my father (sperm donor only) decided he didn't want to grow up, so another gentleman caller stepped up to the plate and took full responsibility (well in this part of the story anyway) for me.

My court appearance was when my Father (#2) adopted me. I look a lot like my brother (father #2) expect for the skin tone difference but well that could be anything really. So yes, until I was 26 I thought another man was my sperm donor. Was I angry that I was never told? Not really. I kinda just wished I never knew. After all my Dad (#3 and step-father) raised me for the most part. It was apart of my Father's (#2) divorce agreement because he never wanted me to think he loved me any less. This was his one achievement of merit. I'm not really certain he was able to accomplish a kindness of such magnitude again.

So yeah these are the thoughts, I think without TV.

The First Step

2005-04-26T23:47:00.000-04:00

Okay, it seems I'm more addicted to TV then originally I thought. I really miss it. Last night it took me hours to fall asleep. I found myself reaching for the remote, without thinking about it. When I walk into another room where there is a television on - I always look, forgetting that I'm not suppose to. I'm not going to breakdown now though - I've already missed the amazing race. Not that I don't know who came in which order. I admit it - I have a problem. I like the mindlessness of TV these days. I don't like being alone with only the voices yabbering about. So I try to read but that doesn't help either. I should never gotten into the habit of falling asleep to the Telly. Oh, sweet hindsight.

I think I understand why I always have it on - makes me feel like there are people about. Something about someone else's life - this distracts me from my own. Or maybe I'm sick from the withdrawal and all these words are just a hallucination. naw, I can't that addicted! Dahdahnanaah... Or can I?

My last memory of TV - crying myself into convulsions out of joy and sadness. Damn, extreme home make-over, gets me every time, it does. You know what makes me cry? Seeing pure joy in people who had given up hope of such a feeling. Of seeing, feeling true gratitude. These things make me cry even if it's just a commercial.

Lucky for me, I have plans for most of the rest of this week. That is one of the reasons why I decided to do this crazy thing after all. To reconnect myself to the world outside of TV Land. I've also put in overtime at work. Have actually called friends, answered the phone the first time they called or at least called back in the same week if I happened to miss the call. I do notice without my mediabox I'm more interested in talking to people. I need to be entertained, gosh darn it! Here I am now, entertain me (kurt cobain). I am/was a fan of Nirvana - great shit. Sometimes I like my music deep, real deep - other times I just need a drum beat. I love to dance. I don't mean bootyshake, I mean take over the dance floor, kind of dancing. Summer's coming and I'm in love with soca. I'm taken with the energy of it. It is the only music that makes me want to jump up and down. Soca music can't refuse it...(destra - a hold on me)

circumstance

2005-04-25T21:20:00.000-04:00

to what circumstance do i owe this pleasure? - she said, as she secretly had been plotting for this very situation. weeks, no wait that's a lie - it was months. sorry sad and pathetic, she vexed herself. what's wrong with getting what you want? okay, she thought; passive-aggressive is better then sitting and waiting, right?! In true chivalrous fashion he offers her a drink, Disaronno on ice, she whispers.

he floats across the room away from her, it reminds her of so many soap opera moments. buried deep within the recesses of her, lay this soap opera - fantasyland. days lost in it. it was all coming to pass now - no more dreaming, no more scheming, none of it. now he was hers.

triumphantly, he returns with her drink only to find her distracted. he touches her softly, she returns to him. as she returns to him she wonders; to what circumstance will i owe my next pleasure?

TV Turnoff Week

2005-04-24T22:02:00.000-04:00

Well it is here - I promised myself I would turn off the TV completely for one week. I read Adbusters magazine and when I saw it I decided it was something I needed to do. My TV viewing has risen to a ridiculous new high. It's almost always on. I fall asleep to it, always cartoons. So from April 25th to May 1st - no television will I watch. Unfortunately it means I miss a couple of important specials, I figured I could just cheat a little and tape a couple of shows.

I have some TV to watch right now...

world's gone crazy

2005-04-23T16:00:00.000-04:00

1.5 million Armenians. 3 million Ukrainians. 6 million Jews. 250,000 Gypsies. 6 million Slavs. 25 million Russians. 25 million Chinese. 1 million Ibos. 1.5 million Bengalis. 200,000 Guatemalans. 1.7 million Cambodians. 500,000 Indonesians. 200,000 East Timorese. 250,000 Burundians. 500,000 Ugandans. 2 million Sudanese. 800,000 Rwandans. 2 million North Koreans. 10,000 Kosovars. Genocides and other mass murders killed more people in the twentieth century than all the wars combined. - taken directly from Genocide Watch

Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.

Leigh Hunt (1784 - 1859)

My Life with Monsters

2005-04-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

Today my ugly monsters reared their heads again. They actually stood right the fuck-up and said pay attention to me, bitch. And so I did. While I listened to them and watched their expression of total disgust, I for the first time - saw their weakness. Doubt and mistrust feed the monsters. I feed them with my self-hate. Sure, I didn't put the hate there BUT that no longer matters. Now this is my life, the pain belongs to me. I can embrace it, learn for it or let it drag me back down to the bottom.

Today I am angry. I am not angry at anything specific. It's not dangerous, it's just there. Usually I try to get rid of it straight away, today I'm enjoying it. Allowing it to have it's time in the sunshine.

10 Things I'm Too Afraid Of

10. public speaking
9. letting people down
8. dying slowly
7. small spaces
6. being stupid
5. spending my life alone
4. being taken advantage of
3. not being loved
2. being less then perfect
1. trusting

A response

2005-04-16T02:39:00.000-04:00

Thank you all for your comments and encouragement. I'm feeling very creative as of late. I haven't felt this spark in so long I had forgot how good it felt. I feel inspired.

Onward into oblivion

2005-04-15T20:24:00.000-04:00

I'm a huge fan of random subject lines (in email too!). I've been rootin about the internet, well mostly just checkin out other people's blogs. People need people. We need to know that there is someone out there whose irregular behaviour is just like ours. Me included. So I wrote a poem about it and here it is:

kindred connections
souls no longer lost
you reach out
grapple for your hand
strangers linked
forever in time
forever online
we may never meet
my life is yours to see
I reach out to you
no longer in limbo
validation found.

Been a long time since I wrote a poem on the spot. Dylan Thomas, I am not. I love speaking and writing jumbled. I have a friend who at heart is an editor, my lack of punctuation and proper grammar drives her silly. To me the message is important not the packaging so much.

I have my whole night to myself - well once I leave work that is. I need to work on posts for my other blog (it's not a porshe either). My technology blog gives me a place to be the geek I am.

32 years into it...

2005-04-15T01:51:00.000-04:00

Here I am 32 years into my life... I've been told that soon things will go downhill. Soon I'll want children and it will be too late. Many people have given many bits of advice - they think might be useful. Only none of it matters to me. What if I don't have the same needs as others? What if I am happy single and childless? There are many children in my life - I love them all, I prefer to play then to take care of. That is what I have chosen. I don't want what others have. I'm not saying my everyday existence is perfect - like a computer I need to be tweaked now and then.

I can't imagine how things can go downhill. I'm still surprised I'm living at 32. I should have been another statistic - suicide, drug addict, pregnant at 16. I sometimes just feel lucky to have made it this far. I don't look back at any period in my life thus far and regret or feel saddened. I've survived. If nothing else at times, I survived myself. I was raised in love. Sacrifices were made for me. I feel joy at the mere glow of these bits.

I also love that people are still making inventive hair care products. What, you say? This is a very important thing for me. I have big hair. I don't have necessarily thick hair or a lot of hair but somehow there it all is. I found the best product: lacoupe salon - perfect curls. It's curl contouring cream with frizz control - and yes it works! With no stickiness or hard crusties.

the blue jays are doing well - this also makes me happy. Life sans Carlos seems happier for them then for me. He was sweet with big ass grin and his beautiful face. Okay that's a little too far now. I should take my nephew to a game this year. Believe I might try my hand a rollerblading this summer. I use to play ice hockey a long time ago but I haven't been on skates since I was in Grade 12 - I was 17. I believe I am capable of relearning old tricks. At least I hope so - I might want to remember these feelings of comfort.

Now 32 years into my life.... I realize I need to learn to be softer. To close the physical/emotional gap between me and the world. I've begun noticing in pictures of old a gap between my and everyone else. It's the oddest thing to encounter at this point in your life. That is what I will be working on TRUST. It is a big scary word for me.

I've also learned that my niece and nephew, no matter how old will always need my affection. Even my nephew who likes to fight me for and against it. With them I can play like a child and get away with it. As long as I do right by them and my mom - everything is okay.

So here I am 32 years into my life and grow hungry for my past. Not the one I know, but that of my father's. Not the man who adopted me as his but the man from which I came. I do not feel the need to know him, just that part of me. Time to dig me hole and pull at my roots.

useless bits

2005-04-14T22:50:00.000-04:00

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"
...and thus the word GOLF Entered into the English language.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go Until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........
"goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a Month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the
honeymoon.

All Families Are Psychotic

2005-04-04T12:30:00.000-04:00

All Families Are Psychotic - Douglas Coupland

I'm feeling very great about my dysfunctional family after reading this book. At times this novel is a little hard to believe; however it is very entertaining. I liked the characters a great deal. Other then some outlandish antics the characters themselves were believable. I could relate to each character either because I am somewhat like them or because they reminded my of a family member. To me the book is a glaring representation of what happens when the head of the family stops paying attention. I come from a very female dominated family. We are an aggressive bunch really. I'm not saying we are without defect - oh because we are swimming in the dysfunctional pool of life as well.

A brief synopsis of the plot: enter family; mom, dad (re-married) and three adult children (2 male and 1 female). They (and their spouses) are all getting together to see their sister (a thalidomide victim sans hands) off into space. The adventure that ensues is perplexing and downright hilarious, a madness that explodes into chaos. Yes, there is a happy ending but what's wrong with that? I have to admit, it's refreshing to see that sometimes we do get another chance at life. An opportunity to show that we have learned from past mistakes.

I am not sure I would recommend this book because it really is an acquired taste. I have read that this was not his best novel. I think I will read another of his books; Microserfs, Generation X, Girlfriend in a Coma or Life after God and then decide on him as a writer.

On to my next book; which I think may not be one of the ones listed. It's springtime and I fell like reading something a little more whimsical. I am sure I can find something in my massive book collection.

Rosie O'Donnell - Find Me

2005-03-30T00:05:00.000-05:00

I wanted to wait until I had fully digested this novel. Actually I devoured it. I bought the book when it was first released. Yes, I also asked myself why I bought it if it took me this long to be motivated to read it. Problem was I've been infected with televisionitis. I think perhaps this book has ripped me from away from telly or maybe it's the call of spring. I'm not sure why I bought this book or why I decided to read it now but sure am glad I did. Sometimes you read a book at the exact right time in your life - I guess you are ready to accept the message contained within the type.

I truly wished it was fictional character but it was undeniable - I have a quite a bit in common with Rosie O'Donnell. And then I realized I have a lot in common with most survivors of child sexual abuse. So there we have it - my reason (unbeknownst to me at the time) for buying and reading this book. I had no idea, well that's mostly a random lie; I did sort of have an idea that rosie had been abused (it's easy to pick out when you know what to look for) but I thought the book was about her first child. And it was but also about the place in where I find myself at now. No, I'm not rich and/or famous yet! (kidding) but there was a period in my life where I felt so lost and alone - I thought if I surrounded myself with things; books, CD, DVD's, etc.. That someone I'd feel validated and powerful. Guess what?! Yeah that's right, it doesn't work that way. I've even tried surrounding myself with others who mostly turned into inconsequential free-loaders. Not that I'm an easy friend either. I'm a better friend then lover that I know for certain. There were so many traits I could identify with. I ran an online crisis line (both alone and with a couple of comrades) and I found myself becoming more involved then I should. As I believe is obvious by now - I saw myself in this book. It's not always what I want. I don't always want to understand the main character in such a profound way but I needed this book. Is it a good read? That depends on what you're looking for really, more so in this case. rosie can write, I will never deny her that, she is witty and as we all know - kind. All of that comes across in this novel. You also see the other side of rosie, behind-the-set rosie was out. That's how I like my celebrities - straight up! If I wanted water...

I suggest that if you can get your hands on a copy - read it! What I respect in the book (and subsequently in Rosie) is that she didn't go into her own sordid details. Yes, it should be spoken about but when we get to far lost in the horrific abuse - we cannot examine the effects. All abuse is soul-crushing; some atrocities are more severe and last longer. Was Rwanda and less horrific then the recent catastrophic tsunami? Of course not, anyone involved in either of these atrocities has been marred for life. Don't focus on the knife that cut you, acknowledge - accept - heal. Perhaps that sounds a little more simplified then it did in my head. I guess maybe you get to be a certain distance from the abuse (in time only) and realize that dwelling on the fact that it happened is not productive. That's what I got from this book - it's my time to live for me. I am painfully aware the holes exist now I must go about repairing what I can. I have so much life to live and I want to do be kinder to myself. Allow myself to love and trust. It is not just what I want - it's what I need.

Been a long time

2005-03-23T23:27:00.000-05:00

Been a long time since I rock and rolled, no but seriously. I started reading 'Find Me' and I'm hooked. It's the not the best book I've read in the true literary sense - she is not no Shakespeare. The emotion is so raw in this book - it compels me to read it. I don't want to do a full out review here as I'm not finished yet (tonight though I will be).

Through reading this book I am reliving my own experiences. I had no idea what the book was about going in. Sometimes I feel only the heaviness of the my past not the events themselves. That is the best way to describe having survived sexual abuse - it's cumbersome. It is like a little red wagon, sometimes it does come in handy but most of the time you just drag it along, hoping the weight will lesson eventually. It is these heavy times I learn the most from. It is difficult to take a hard look at yourself while you are flying from a cloud.

Here is a hard truth I must now admit to myself - I can be very manipulative. I don't mean witches standing around a bubbling cauldron sort of thing. There are occurrences which transpire and although I realize later (or sometimes during) that I affected the outcome in a significant way - all the while not being much aware I was doing it.

Seems a bad place to end but I want to go read now.

Movie Madness

2005-03-12T15:25:00.000-05:00

As i'm reading through my blog - i notice that my last two posts have very little to do with healing or writing. The serial killer post i added because i couldn't believe that in Spain you can only spend 20 years in prision no matter how many people you kill as long as it is not an act of terrorism. That's crazy.

Here it is saturday a.m. i'm at work! yes, that is a sentence. not a good one like that one that follows it but one nonetheless. watched two very different movies last night:

Duel - Steven Spielberg directs this high-velocity thriller about an innocent motorist terrorized by an evil truck. Spielberg’s first full-length movie, Duel helped jumpstart the director’s big-screen career, with a gripping, action-packed story hailed by critics as a film that “...belongs on the classics shelf reserved for top suspensers” (Dailey Variety).

Deul was not good! Perhaps it is only because it has been done so many times since. but maybe back in the day it was viewed as a great movie. There's a point in the movie when he gets pushed off the road by the truck and ends up in a diner/gas station type establishment. While he's in the bathroom 're-grouping' and cleaning up, he starts to think about how a couple of minutes can change your life forever. I believe he refers to his last life-altering 16 minuntes. After those momments does anybody actually change the course of their life? Do people change? I think back to little mona - have I changed or have I just altered enough to be considered 'a grown-up'? What shapes us? all this from a movie? could it be the movie wasn't as bad as i had originally thought?! nah, i'm never wrong! hahahaha. I'm certain I could prepare a list of 16 minute life affirming mommments. it is on our daily living that we so often forget those days, hours, minutes, etc... that keep us grounded. Perspective is everything.

and...

Garden State - Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) returns to his hometown in New Jersey after a decade away to attend his mother's funeral. Having just weaned himself off antidepressants, the young man begins to see his life in a new light, which leads him to confront his psychologist father (Ian Holm) and forge a connection with a new friend (Natalie Portman).

Good movie! I know it has been out on DVD for awhile but I'm catching up on all my movies now that the Oscars are over and everyone has stopped talking about them. The acting is really good and the plot is fantastic. Every movie has a little predicatibility, this one keeps it to a bare minimum. You like the characters - you root for them. They learn, they grow, they are dynamic. Zach Braff, re-iterates one point throughout the movie - families are dysfunctional. All of them. No spoiler here - I was tempted because some of the juicy bits are really amazing. Definitely you should see this movie.

...i haven't really been living in the abuse as of late. I need periods of time (however brief) to not deal with all that heavy stuff. My emotional baggage is plentiful and it exhausts me. I'm old enough to realize I can not bury it all inside myself but with that wisdom has come the realization that I don't have to 'deal' with it everyday either. Yes there is a daily struggle of sorts but it's not everyday or maybe it's just become so much apart of me. Of who I am.

Playing -card Killer

2005-03-10T09:31:00.000-05:00

Playing-card killer convicted
By AP

MADRID, Spain -- An accused serial killer known for leaving a playing card by the bodies of his alleged victims was convicted yesterday and sentenced to 142 years in jail. But the 27-year-old man will likely be out of jail before he turns 48.

Alfredo Galan, a former army soldier who served as a Spanish peacekeeper in the Balkans, was convicted of shooting six people to death between January and March in 2003, in and around Madrid.

Spanish media came to call him "the deck killer" because a single playing card was found by the bodies of four of the victims.

Despite the 142-year sentence, under Spanish law the maximum length of time a person can spend in jail for a non-terrorism conviction is 20 years.

a girl about the net

2005-03-05T14:26:00.000-05:00

their circular life - a day in the life of choosen places.

Squashed Philosophers - The books which defined the way The West thinks nowCondensed and abridged to keep the substance, the style and the quotes, but ditching all that irritating verbiage

Snack Food Chinese Zodiac

2005-03-05T14:24:00.000-05:00

cool stuff about the net. as it turns out i'm a twinkie...

Twinkie - You contain hidden reserves and always spring back in the face of adversity. Others admire your sunny appearance and timeless qualities. Your ideal career: Teacher. Marry a Gummi or M&M, but never Bridge Mix.
Born in 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009.

Reading list

2005-03-03T20:48:00.000-05:00

Well then, I've just been reading some feeds and came upon a tremendous idea (thanks to defective yeti) . I've been out of the reading loop for a long time but maybe a booklist will force me to read more and watch television less.

now to come up with a list. I think instead of sitting down and coming up with a list in an hour or so...I will add a new section to side the panel over there. You know to yer left hand side. If you have read any books recently, you would like to suggest, please leave me a comment and if I haven't read it (and am interested) I'll add it to my list.

I will post any thoughts I have on individual books as I go along. Now i'm off to create my booklist...

blogmonkee crazies

2005-02-25T20:23:00.000-05:00

i have been so focused on my new blog (blogmonkee) that i have lost track of all else. i have not been out to the bars, i haven't been watching much television. i am consumed. i'm one of those people that decides on something and then goes full tilt at it but then boredom looms large after a while and i'm spent. i'm starter not a finisher. i'm not in for the long haul. even my relationships go that way - i'll meet someone (friend or sp. friend) and be all about that person then i'll get bored and want to move on. i'm not sure if it's that i bore of them or if i'm afriad they will bore of me. you know what i mean?

i'm committment-phobic. yes, margaret there are chicks who don't like 'settling down.' i am one of those chicks. sometimes it gets lonely being me but whatever. i'm hate the sound of whining from me or anybody else for that matter. we live the life we choose to live. sure, sometimes life throws you fastball from time to time you weren't quite expecting but that kinda shite builds character. seriously though my life has been determined by me, others have made appearances both negatively and positively. what is the point of blame? someone has got to fix it anyway so just go about doing that instead of first taking the time to blame.

not sure where that all came from but i was feelin it so i thought i should blog it!

oh yeah, please check out my new blog: blogmonkee

the signs

2005-02-06T01:35:00.000-05:00

i just realized today that i am a year of the ox aries ram! do i even have a chance, i ask you?!

holiday crash n' burn

2005-01-27T00:05:00.000-05:00

well the holidays are over - these were the best in a long time. maybe it was spending time with my nieces and nephew; and observing first hand that some kids are thankful. or maybe it was my best friend giving birth to her first baby. yeah that means there will be more. i love what i got for xmas but i'm happier with what i gave.

- we bought my nephew robosapien - what an awesome toy that is.
- we redid my niece's (she's 11 y/o) room in purple and blue 'angel' stuff. complete with a purple feather-soft blanket.
- bought my baby niece she's not 1 yet that Dance Baby Dance Dancin' Bandstand toy. it's a great gift for a baby. she loves it. she can be entertained and learn all at the same time.

i bought some other appreciated gifts - it really was a great year for giving. but like i said i also got some great gifts. mainly my Palm Zire 31. which i love! no serious, i can organize my whole life. no; my life is not big, bad or exciting but my lack of attention span means that i forget lots of shite. it has everything.

my wonderwoman notebook is so freakin cool, zippo with my name on it, a very posh and expensive case for my palm, some singing mice and oh so many more super cool gifts.

there has been no blogging for me - a couple of quick posts to moBLOG! but nothing here. i have been doing most of my writing on paper - can you believe it? i have all these technologies at my disposal and i still use paper. some of my journal entries and whatnot are just not 'blog' material - yes sometimes i believe it's important to sensor.

don't get me wrong this blog is for me - but i figure someone at somepoint will read it. this is my blog - no friends or family are aware of this blog. i'm not sure why but it's easier to write knowing that whoever reads this will see me as just another internet shadow. fine with me. so there! ;0)

........

was reading a small toronto paper today (www.24hrs.ca) when i happened upon yet another article about The Superbowl fiasco of yesteryear. why is a nipple causing such controversy? football itself is violent not to mention the level of violence in the news. as society we have determined that a naked nipple can wreck a child but violence is alright. reality tv - no problem. i'm a little partial here - janet is by far my favourite artist of all time. i won't even discuss little mr. timberlake the disloyal diserter. janet is the cause of the delay in live televison - is she now? or is it the moral majority that sits around making decisions for everybody else? nakedness is not the cause of our problems - the problems are so much bigger then that. and we have problems in this world that are bigger and need our attention. for example the situation in the Sudan - genocide it happens all before our greedy western eyes. yet we do nothing. we storm into a country that doesn't want us there to 'liberate' the people and disable all the nuclear weapons BUT other countries cry for our help. for more information on the crisis in the Sudan you can get it here: allafrica.com

we need to pay attention to what is really important. for all of our time-saving technology nobody has any more time. we have less and that angers us. or maybe it's just me.

i'm even trying to learn - How to think like Leonardo da Vinci a free course. i'll be zen someday or i'll kim me trying. heehee.

my couplasence.

My Life with Monsters (the backstory pt. 1)

2004-12-29T15:13:00.000-05:00

This ongoing writing campaign will appear often. It is my view of events in my childhood. The monsters are real, imaginary and sometimes they are me. I am not interested in pity or anything of the sort. This is just my way of letting go of my past. A way to rid myself of the monsters that linger inside. if I project the monsters on to the blog - they can no longer plant themselves within my psyche. My inner child is not growing. She is holding me back - her fear is my in action. No I am not blaming everything wrong that I’ve ever done (or even things I should have done but didn't) on outside causes. This is the only way I know how to take responsibility, the only way I know how to 'get over' or release the monsters that have been living in my life for all these years.

This is my way of taking my life back. I don't expect to 'recover' exactly. I just don't want my thinking to be dominated by thoughts rape, incest and molestation. By thoughts of inferiority. By thoughts of shame. Not that it's something that everyone should know but wait why not? Why is it so personal to me? Why do I guard this part of my life so secretly? I’m afraid that people will find out - why? Oh the shame of not being able to control what happens to you. It’s really very life altering.

my life with monsters

2004-12-16T00:56:00.000-05:00

Growing up biracial (and poor) in a predominately white (and rich) community was in itself a soul mangling experience. Or maybe it is the very reason my world became so littered with sexual monsters. Soul stealing demons. Perhaps it was the excitement of conquering a 'non white piece of ass' or a total disregard for the life of a 'mulatto' girl. Whatever it was, it has left me with a scar the size of my soul.

I have no recollection of my last innocent moment. No memories of that last thought before I was raped. Before my innocence was so horribly stripped from me.

there's a tori amos song which says:

You can laugh
It’s kind of funny
Things you think
Times like these
Like I haven't seen
BARBADOS so I
Must get out of this

It’s true, the things that go through your head sometimes during, after and way after. I remember one day realizing that I must have cleaned up the 'mess' after. I must have done away with my clothes. But yet I have no recollection of the moment and I was only 9. But these are the questions you're left with. Why should I ever have to think of such things?!

pieces of innocence
kicked to the wayside
hammered flat.
rendering the former
owner incomplete.

.... Well that's a start - most of it was written in Oct 2004. Not every passage will be so heavy but my life has been very f*#ckin; heavy. I need somewhere to unload it; this seems as good a place as any. I wondered at first if I should leave this blog as being public, heck I even get a bit of traffic from blogexplosion.com - I won't hide these thoughts from the world. The shame needs not to be mine, not any longer. The mindless space of the web comes in handy again. Maybe I’ll develop my own cult following and then I’ll be all set to take over the world! Well there goes that secret - ssshhhhhhh.

out from the christmas shopping - i emerge

2004-12-15T13:03:00.000-05:00

I was going to start of this post with an apology but considering this blog is for me - I’d only truly be apologizing to myself and well that's just silly. Instead of being sorry I’m going to make a commitment to post to this blog, something at least once a week.

When I started this blog I wanted to post my writing, I actually wanted to turn it into it's own novel. A healing experience of sorts. As soon as I set out to do this I immediately stalled - the writing that I am going to post is of a highly personal matter. I have so many ideas; I have trouble juggling what to write down.

See the thing is I also have a personal blog and I’m having trouble deciding which goes where. So I have laid down my ground rules and they are: anything that is creative in nature will be posted to this blog anything else; rants, theories, or whatever else I come up with will be posted to moBLOG!

I wrestled with whether or not I should be posting any of my criminology thoughts, ideas or research here - it just doesn't fit with the tone of the blog so this will also be posted to moBLOG! (eventually to have it's own section on that blog)

So that is my promise to myself, because whether it appears that way or not - this blog (all personal blogs) are really for the individual. A virtual journal that gets feedback - what a fantastic notion.

I’m thankful to the effect that I’m no longer 19 y/o because what I wrote in my private diary at that age was really rather sexual. It was all about drinking and sex. Maybe it still is - not for me it isn’t. Good thing I wrote something down during that time in my life or I would have absolutely no recollection of those years.

Now that I’m sober(er)...

What about our teenage years? They were my most turbulent and most creative. Is it that we have more time? More headspace? Or it is simply that the drudgery of high school lends itself seamlessly to creative whereas working a 9-5 (customer service) job dulls those senses?

Having recently taken a day off work, I know very certainly that days not spent at work are far more creative in nature. When I arrive home from work during the week, after having been yelled at by customers all day long - my level of creativity is at an all time low.
Enough talking. I will back this evening with a post. That is my promise to myself. I will be publishing a stream-of-consciousness type thingy that I wrote on the way back from my best friend's; while riding the via rails. I love the taking the train.

a short ode to xmas shopping

2004-11-29T14:20:00.000-05:00

okay, so i have yet to really write anything in this blog. i've shownyou some work from way back in '92 but let's face it i've written somesince, although quite honestly i use to write a lot more. my writingis at it's best when i'm sad or angry (even love poems) when i'm happyi am just not able to reach that deep. maybe when i'm happy i wouldjust prefer to stay that way so i don't examine much in detail. mywriting has become less poetic and more commentary/rant like. is thiswhat happens as you age?

perhaps i should have waited to start this, oh well - what's done isdone. with all the holidays, i have very little time to myself to sitand write. so much shopping. so many parties. so many visitors. it's not even December yet and i'm already exhausted.

here's my ode to the xmas shopping season:

It's The Most Frustrating Time Of The Year
With the kids always yelling
And everyone telling you "kick into third gear"
It's The Most Frustrating Time Of The Year
It's the most hor-horrific season of all
With those holiday feedings and injurous meetings
When all your finances fall
It's the most hor-horrific season of all

again, please check back again - i will be updating as often as i can create.

in loving memory of...

2004-11-23T00:53:00.000-05:00

as i stand by the gate preparing to go in
i think of your final and most deadly sin
i'm sure you feel justified in some silly way
i still sit and wonder why couldn't stay
i'm sure none of these questions matter now
this was your exist your last and final bow
as i lay your roses by your cold grave
it is you last words one one heard that i crave

april 25, 92

(it was a very busy year for me; a very sad and busy year)

they must be mistaken

2004-11-23T00:48:00.000-05:00

intro...this was written back in 1992 it was a part of my OAC writers craft independent study. i had to read two books of similar genre (choosen from a list - how creative) i choose satire; more specifically galapagos by kurt vonnegut and catch 22 by joseph heller. we were then given strange writing assigments - one of them was a poemas written by one of the characters, this is what i came up with:

they must be mistaken

they are all around me, closing in,
there are too many i could never win.
no, i am not crazy, it's just not true,
no, i don't believe them. why do you?
what, you say it's not real just insanity?
you're words are not authentic, mere profanity.
you make me nervous by the way you talk,
is it my obervations that you need mock?
all i want is to get out of here,
dont' you them, they draw near.
i see their eyes watching cast down upon me,
hey , there they are, why can you not see?
these evil people have chosen me as their clown,
i can see their hunger as they stare me down.
they have taken over and invaded my mind,
they're beside me, in forn and even behind.
there they come to get me, this time for true,
i told you that i wasn't, insane, so it must be you.

- Yossarian (catch 22)

powerful void

2004-11-23T00:24:00.000-05:00

there are places i go to
and memories that hant me
there are friends i run to
and strangers who elude me

i am thankful
and i am sad

to be continued...

2004-11-22T14:06:00.000-05:00

please be patient with me. this is my other blog. i want to try and get to my creative writing. yes, i suppose i could have just posted my creative writing on moBlog - this will be a clean fresh slate and blogger will give me more options then tBlog.

no, i'm not really sure when i will find the time to blog x2 but whatever. and i've even considered a third tech-type blog. but i will try to maintain 2 for now.

this blog will be devoted to all things writing - whether it be my insane theories on crime or a romantic poem.

i hope you check back often as i will be updated this blog at least once a week.