cheekee.monkee

I am building myself. There are many roots. I plant, I pick, I prune. I consume."
--Wendy Rose, HOPI/MIWOK

The most sacred thing on this Mother Earth is life. My life on this earth is governed by God's laws, principles and spiritual values. These things are my roots. Let me see Your gifts of growing and becoming a spiritual warrior. Make my strength based on values - spiritual values; on principles and laws, the laws of God that really run the universe. We need to realize the seeds we plant in the spring will be what shows up in our summer season of growth and will be the fruits that we will harvest in our fall season. We really have a lot to do with what shows up in our lives.

i'm not posting...it comes in fits. i seem to have lost my voice for the time being, it's been too long. i need to force myself back out of my head. are my thoughts, history, etc... a quaility public read; naw not really. but this is not about y'all.

i'm standing up and back from all that has happened in the last bit of 2005 and all that has transpired in 2006. so much beyond my control. that's what about life, i find hard - my niece is out of control, my sister spiraling into a depression she doesn't seem to realize she is in, nor does she realize she is taking her kids down with her. abusive live-in who's absolute uselessness has got to win him some sort of anti-award.

why am i so frustrated with things the way they are? i never have an accurate guage on how to judge how others feel about me. it has always has been a struggle for me to figure that out. i have to rely on what i'm told and what happens when you're never told? why do i care about it at all? i don't fuckin' know!

being alone is the best place to be (Edie Brickell) ... i'm at odds with myself; it's much more simple for me to be alone but something in me craves peoples attention and affections, almost like there's never enough of it. but i don't want to seem desperate so i hold it all in and back. no wonder my stomach is a mess!

the above bit was all from a time long ago .. however the setiment is the same still. i am a little more at peace BUT the same frustrations exsist. rather then write a whole new post (which i really need to get back to) i'm just going to continue on with this one.

work is overwhelming at best and my social life is leaving me feeling very unsocial. romantic life ... after 7 years it's finally alive! the interest is there ... but that's as far as i've gotten thus far. i'm still very tentative but it's a start.

i feel like i'm on the outside and everyone is having a merry ol' party without me. the worst part is i know it's all my own doing. i just don't allow myself to get close to or trust these days ... this is not helpful when dating. here is where the rebuilding starts...