cheekee.monkee

within these momments
i am strong again
i am whole again
this happiness is mine

It's funny how you remember something sometimes. I have a clear memory of being sat on a judges lap and being asked who I wanted my Daddy to be. I never had however recollected what it was all about. Never until I was 26 that is. My cousin called to tell me one of my aunts missed me and wanted to see me. I was confused, what aunt? That wasn't an aunt I ever remembered meeting. My Dad's sister? Well, no that can't be because all but one of them live in Barbados. The aunt living in the area knows my number. So what aunt do you speak of? Well here's the story - when I was born my father (sperm donor only) decided he didn't want to grow up, so another gentleman caller stepped up to the plate and took full responsibility (well in this part of the story anyway) for me.

My court appearance was when my Father (#2) adopted me. I look a lot like my brother (father #2) expect for the skin tone difference but well that could be anything really. So yes, until I was 26 I thought another man was my sperm donor. Was I angry that I was never told? Not really. I kinda just wished I never knew. After all my Dad (#3 and step-father) raised me for the most part. It was apart of my Father's (#2) divorce agreement because he never wanted me to think he loved me any less. This was his one achievement of merit. I'm not really certain he was able to accomplish a kindness of such magnitude again.

So yeah these are the thoughts, I think without TV.

Okay, it seems I'm more addicted to TV then originally I thought. I really miss it. Last night it took me hours to fall asleep. I found myself reaching for the remote, without thinking about it. When I walk into another room where there is a television on - I always look, forgetting that I'm not suppose to. I'm not going to breakdown now though - I've already missed the amazing race. Not that I don't know who came in which order. I admit it - I have a problem. I like the mindlessness of TV these days. I don't like being alone with only the voices yabbering about. So I try to read but that doesn't help either. I should never gotten into the habit of falling asleep to the Telly. Oh, sweet hindsight.

I think I understand why I always have it on - makes me feel like there are people about. Something about someone else's life - this distracts me from my own. Or maybe I'm sick from the withdrawal and all these words are just a hallucination. naw, I can't that addicted! Dahdahnanaah... Or can I?

My last memory of TV - crying myself into convulsions out of joy and sadness. Damn, extreme home make-over, gets me every time, it does. You know what makes me cry? Seeing pure joy in people who had given up hope of such a feeling. Of seeing, feeling true gratitude. These things make me cry even if it's just a commercial.

Lucky for me, I have plans for most of the rest of this week. That is one of the reasons why I decided to do this crazy thing after all. To reconnect myself to the world outside of TV Land. I've also put in overtime at work. Have actually called friends, answered the phone the first time they called or at least called back in the same week if I happened to miss the call. I do notice without my mediabox I'm more interested in talking to people. I need to be entertained, gosh darn it! Here I am now, entertain me (kurt cobain). I am/was a fan of Nirvana - great shit. Sometimes I like my music deep, real deep - other times I just need a drum beat. I love to dance. I don't mean bootyshake, I mean take over the dance floor, kind of dancing. Summer's coming and I'm in love with soca. I'm taken with the energy of it. It is the only music that makes me want to jump up and down. Soca music can't refuse it...(destra - a hold on me)

to what circumstance do i owe this pleasure? - she said, as she secretly had been plotting for this very situation. weeks, no wait that's a lie - it was months. sorry sad and pathetic, she vexed herself. what's wrong with getting what you want? okay, she thought; passive-aggressive is better then sitting and waiting, right?! In true chivalrous fashion he offers her a drink, Disaronno on ice, she whispers.

he floats across the room away from her, it reminds her of so many soap opera moments. buried deep within the recesses of her, lay this soap opera - fantasyland. days lost in it. it was all coming to pass now - no more dreaming, no more scheming, none of it. now he was hers.

triumphantly, he returns with her drink only to find her distracted. he touches her softly, she returns to him. as she returns to him she wonders; to what circumstance will i owe my next pleasure?

Well it is here - I promised myself I would turn off the TV completely for one week. I read Adbusters magazine and when I saw it I decided it was something I needed to do. My TV viewing has risen to a ridiculous new high. It's almost always on. I fall asleep to it, always cartoons. So from April 25th to May 1st - no television will I watch. Unfortunately it means I miss a couple of important specials, I figured I could just cheat a little and tape a couple of shows.

I have some TV to watch right now...

1.5 million Armenians. 3 million Ukrainians. 6 million Jews. 250,000 Gypsies. 6 million Slavs. 25 million Russians. 25 million Chinese. 1 million Ibos. 1.5 million Bengalis. 200,000 Guatemalans. 1.7 million Cambodians. 500,000 Indonesians. 200,000 East Timorese. 250,000 Burundians. 500,000 Ugandans. 2 million Sudanese. 800,000 Rwandans. 2 million North Koreans. 10,000 Kosovars. Genocides and other mass murders killed more people in the twentieth century than all the wars combined. - taken directly from Genocide Watch

Whenever evil befalls us, we ought to ask ourselves, after the first suffering, how we can turn it into good. So shall we take occasion, from one bitter root, to raise perhaps many flowers.

Leigh Hunt (1784 - 1859)

Today my ugly monsters reared their heads again. They actually stood right the fuck-up and said pay attention to me, bitch. And so I did. While I listened to them and watched their expression of total disgust, I for the first time - saw their weakness. Doubt and mistrust feed the monsters. I feed them with my self-hate. Sure, I didn't put the hate there BUT that no longer matters. Now this is my life, the pain belongs to me. I can embrace it, learn for it or let it drag me back down to the bottom.

Today I am angry. I am not angry at anything specific. It's not dangerous, it's just there. Usually I try to get rid of it straight away, today I'm enjoying it. Allowing it to have it's time in the sunshine.

10 Things I'm Too Afraid Of

10. public speaking
9. letting people down
8. dying slowly
7. small spaces
6. being stupid
5. spending my life alone
4. being taken advantage of
3. not being loved
2. being less then perfect
1. trusting

Thank you all for your comments and encouragement. I'm feeling very creative as of late. I haven't felt this spark in so long I had forgot how good it felt. I feel inspired.

I'm a huge fan of random subject lines (in email too!). I've been rootin about the internet, well mostly just checkin out other people's blogs. People need people. We need to know that there is someone out there whose irregular behaviour is just like ours. Me included. So I wrote a poem about it and here it is:

kindred connections
souls no longer lost
you reach out
grapple for your hand
strangers linked
forever in time
forever online
we may never meet
my life is yours to see
I reach out to you
no longer in limbo
validation found.

Been a long time since I wrote a poem on the spot. Dylan Thomas, I am not. I love speaking and writing jumbled. I have a friend who at heart is an editor, my lack of punctuation and proper grammar drives her silly. To me the message is important not the packaging so much.

I have my whole night to myself - well once I leave work that is. I need to work on posts for my other blog (it's not a porshe either). My technology blog gives me a place to be the geek I am.

Here I am 32 years into my life... I've been told that soon things will go downhill. Soon I'll want children and it will be too late. Many people have given many bits of advice - they think might be useful. Only none of it matters to me. What if I don't have the same needs as others? What if I am happy single and childless? There are many children in my life - I love them all, I prefer to play then to take care of. That is what I have chosen. I don't want what others have. I'm not saying my everyday existence is perfect - like a computer I need to be tweaked now and then.

I can't imagine how things can go downhill. I'm still surprised I'm living at 32. I should have been another statistic - suicide, drug addict, pregnant at 16. I sometimes just feel lucky to have made it this far. I don't look back at any period in my life thus far and regret or feel saddened. I've survived. If nothing else at times, I survived myself. I was raised in love. Sacrifices were made for me. I feel joy at the mere glow of these bits.

I also love that people are still making inventive hair care products. What, you say? This is a very important thing for me. I have big hair. I don't have necessarily thick hair or a lot of hair but somehow there it all is. I found the best product: lacoupe salon - perfect curls. It's curl contouring cream with frizz control - and yes it works! With no stickiness or hard crusties.

the blue jays are doing well - this also makes me happy. Life sans Carlos seems happier for them then for me. He was sweet with big ass grin and his beautiful face. Okay that's a little too far now. I should take my nephew to a game this year. Believe I might try my hand a rollerblading this summer. I use to play ice hockey a long time ago but I haven't been on skates since I was in Grade 12 - I was 17. I believe I am capable of relearning old tricks. At least I hope so - I might want to remember these feelings of comfort.

Now 32 years into my life.... I realize I need to learn to be softer. To close the physical/emotional gap between me and the world. I've begun noticing in pictures of old a gap between my and everyone else. It's the oddest thing to encounter at this point in your life. That is what I will be working on TRUST. It is a big scary word for me.

I've also learned that my niece and nephew, no matter how old will always need my affection. Even my nephew who likes to fight me for and against it. With them I can play like a child and get away with it. As long as I do right by them and my mom - everything is okay.

So here I am 32 years into my life and grow hungry for my past. Not the one I know, but that of my father's. Not the man who adopted me as his but the man from which I came. I do not feel the need to know him, just that part of me. Time to dig me hole and pull at my roots.

Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented.
It was ruled "Gentlemen Only...Ladies Forbidden"
...and thus the word GOLF Entered into the English language.
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The State with the highest percentage of people who
walk to work: Alaska
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The percentage of Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get this...)
The percentage of North America that is wilderness: 38%
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111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
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Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?
A. Their birthplace
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Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most
popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
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Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you
have to go Until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand
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Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield
wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.
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Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
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In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed
frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase.........
"goodnight, sleep tight."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years
ago that for a Month after the wedding, the bride's father
would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based,
this period was called the honey month, which we know today as the
honeymoon.

All Families Are Psychotic - Douglas Coupland

I'm feeling very great about my dysfunctional family after reading this book. At times this novel is a little hard to believe; however it is very entertaining. I liked the characters a great deal. Other then some outlandish antics the characters themselves were believable. I could relate to each character either because I am somewhat like them or because they reminded my of a family member. To me the book is a glaring representation of what happens when the head of the family stops paying attention. I come from a very female dominated family. We are an aggressive bunch really. I'm not saying we are without defect - oh because we are swimming in the dysfunctional pool of life as well.

A brief synopsis of the plot: enter family; mom, dad (re-married) and three adult children (2 male and 1 female). They (and their spouses) are all getting together to see their sister (a thalidomide victim sans hands) off into space. The adventure that ensues is perplexing and downright hilarious, a madness that explodes into chaos. Yes, there is a happy ending but what's wrong with that? I have to admit, it's refreshing to see that sometimes we do get another chance at life. An opportunity to show that we have learned from past mistakes.

I am not sure I would recommend this book because it really is an acquired taste. I have read that this was not his best novel. I think I will read another of his books; Microserfs, Generation X, Girlfriend in a Coma or Life after God and then decide on him as a writer.

On to my next book; which I think may not be one of the ones listed. It's springtime and I fell like reading something a little more whimsical. I am sure I can find something in my massive book collection.