cheekee.monkee

I wanted to wait until I had fully digested this novel. Actually I devoured it. I bought the book when it was first released. Yes, I also asked myself why I bought it if it took me this long to be motivated to read it. Problem was I've been infected with televisionitis. I think perhaps this book has ripped me from away from telly or maybe it's the call of spring. I'm not sure why I bought this book or why I decided to read it now but sure am glad I did. Sometimes you read a book at the exact right time in your life - I guess you are ready to accept the message contained within the type.

I truly wished it was fictional character but it was undeniable - I have a quite a bit in common with Rosie O'Donnell. And then I realized I have a lot in common with most survivors of child sexual abuse. So there we have it - my reason (unbeknownst to me at the time) for buying and reading this book. I had no idea, well that's mostly a random lie; I did sort of have an idea that rosie had been abused (it's easy to pick out when you know what to look for) but I thought the book was about her first child. And it was but also about the place in where I find myself at now. No, I'm not rich and/or famous yet! (kidding) but there was a period in my life where I felt so lost and alone - I thought if I surrounded myself with things; books, CD, DVD's, etc.. That someone I'd feel validated and powerful. Guess what?! Yeah that's right, it doesn't work that way. I've even tried surrounding myself with others who mostly turned into inconsequential free-loaders. Not that I'm an easy friend either. I'm a better friend then lover that I know for certain. There were so many traits I could identify with. I ran an online crisis line (both alone and with a couple of comrades) and I found myself becoming more involved then I should. As I believe is obvious by now - I saw myself in this book. It's not always what I want. I don't always want to understand the main character in such a profound way but I needed this book. Is it a good read? That depends on what you're looking for really, more so in this case. rosie can write, I will never deny her that, she is witty and as we all know - kind. All of that comes across in this novel. You also see the other side of rosie, behind-the-set rosie was out. That's how I like my celebrities - straight up! If I wanted water...

I suggest that if you can get your hands on a copy - read it! What I respect in the book (and subsequently in Rosie) is that she didn't go into her own sordid details. Yes, it should be spoken about but when we get to far lost in the horrific abuse - we cannot examine the effects. All abuse is soul-crushing; some atrocities are more severe and last longer. Was Rwanda and less horrific then the recent catastrophic tsunami? Of course not, anyone involved in either of these atrocities has been marred for life. Don't focus on the knife that cut you, acknowledge - accept - heal. Perhaps that sounds a little more simplified then it did in my head. I guess maybe you get to be a certain distance from the abuse (in time only) and realize that dwelling on the fact that it happened is not productive. That's what I got from this book - it's my time to live for me. I am painfully aware the holes exist now I must go about repairing what I can. I have so much life to live and I want to do be kinder to myself. Allow myself to love and trust. It is not just what I want - it's what I need.

Been a long time since I rock and rolled, no but seriously. I started reading 'Find Me' and I'm hooked. It's the not the best book I've read in the true literary sense - she is not no Shakespeare. The emotion is so raw in this book - it compels me to read it. I don't want to do a full out review here as I'm not finished yet (tonight though I will be).

Through reading this book I am reliving my own experiences. I had no idea what the book was about going in. Sometimes I feel only the heaviness of the my past not the events themselves. That is the best way to describe having survived sexual abuse - it's cumbersome. It is like a little red wagon, sometimes it does come in handy but most of the time you just drag it along, hoping the weight will lesson eventually. It is these heavy times I learn the most from. It is difficult to take a hard look at yourself while you are flying from a cloud.

Here is a hard truth I must now admit to myself - I can be very manipulative. I don't mean witches standing around a bubbling cauldron sort of thing. There are occurrences which transpire and although I realize later (or sometimes during) that I affected the outcome in a significant way - all the while not being much aware I was doing it.

Seems a bad place to end but I want to go read now.

As i'm reading through my blog - i notice that my last two posts have very little to do with healing or writing. The serial killer post i added because i couldn't believe that in Spain you can only spend 20 years in prision no matter how many people you kill as long as it is not an act of terrorism. That's crazy.

Here it is saturday a.m. i'm at work! yes, that is a sentence. not a good one like that one that follows it but one nonetheless. watched two very different movies last night:

Duel - Steven Spielberg directs this high-velocity thriller about an innocent motorist terrorized by an evil truck. Spielberg’s first full-length movie, Duel helped jumpstart the director’s big-screen career, with a gripping, action-packed story hailed by critics as a film that “...belongs on the classics shelf reserved for top suspensers” (Dailey Variety).

Deul was not good! Perhaps it is only because it has been done so many times since. but maybe back in the day it was viewed as a great movie. There's a point in the movie when he gets pushed off the road by the truck and ends up in a diner/gas station type establishment. While he's in the bathroom 're-grouping' and cleaning up, he starts to think about how a couple of minutes can change your life forever. I believe he refers to his last life-altering 16 minuntes. After those momments does anybody actually change the course of their life? Do people change? I think back to little mona - have I changed or have I just altered enough to be considered 'a grown-up'? What shapes us? all this from a movie? could it be the movie wasn't as bad as i had originally thought?! nah, i'm never wrong! hahahaha. I'm certain I could prepare a list of 16 minute life affirming mommments. it is on our daily living that we so often forget those days, hours, minutes, etc... that keep us grounded. Perspective is everything.

and...

Garden State - Andrew Largeman (Zach Braff) returns to his hometown in New Jersey after a decade away to attend his mother's funeral. Having just weaned himself off antidepressants, the young man begins to see his life in a new light, which leads him to confront his psychologist father (Ian Holm) and forge a connection with a new friend (Natalie Portman).

Good movie! I know it has been out on DVD for awhile but I'm catching up on all my movies now that the Oscars are over and everyone has stopped talking about them. The acting is really good and the plot is fantastic. Every movie has a little predicatibility, this one keeps it to a bare minimum. You like the characters - you root for them. They learn, they grow, they are dynamic. Zach Braff, re-iterates one point throughout the movie - families are dysfunctional. All of them. No spoiler here - I was tempted because some of the juicy bits are really amazing. Definitely you should see this movie.

...i haven't really been living in the abuse as of late. I need periods of time (however brief) to not deal with all that heavy stuff. My emotional baggage is plentiful and it exhausts me. I'm old enough to realize I can not bury it all inside myself but with that wisdom has come the realization that I don't have to 'deal' with it everyday either. Yes there is a daily struggle of sorts but it's not everyday or maybe it's just become so much apart of me. Of who I am.

Playing-card killer convicted
By AP

MADRID, Spain -- An accused serial killer known for leaving a playing card by the bodies of his alleged victims was convicted yesterday and sentenced to 142 years in jail. But the 27-year-old man will likely be out of jail before he turns 48.

Alfredo Galan, a former army soldier who served as a Spanish peacekeeper in the Balkans, was convicted of shooting six people to death between January and March in 2003, in and around Madrid.

Spanish media came to call him "the deck killer" because a single playing card was found by the bodies of four of the victims.

Despite the 142-year sentence, under Spanish law the maximum length of time a person can spend in jail for a non-terrorism conviction is 20 years.

their circular life - a day in the life of choosen places.

Squashed Philosophers - The books which defined the way The West thinks nowCondensed and abridged to keep the substance, the style and the quotes, but ditching all that irritating verbiage

cool stuff about the net. as it turns out i'm a twinkie...

Twinkie - You contain hidden reserves and always spring back in the face of adversity. Others admire your sunny appearance and timeless qualities. Your ideal career: Teacher. Marry a Gummi or M&M, but never Bridge Mix.
Born in 1925, 1937, 1949, 1961, 1973, 1985, 1997, 2009.

Well then, I've just been reading some feeds and came upon a tremendous idea (thanks to defective yeti) . I've been out of the reading loop for a long time but maybe a booklist will force me to read more and watch television less.

now to come up with a list. I think instead of sitting down and coming up with a list in an hour or so...I will add a new section to side the panel over there. You know to yer left hand side. If you have read any books recently, you would like to suggest, please leave me a comment and if I haven't read it (and am interested) I'll add it to my list.

I will post any thoughts I have on individual books as I go along. Now i'm off to create my booklist...