cheekee.monkee

This ongoing writing campaign will appear often. It is my view of events in my childhood. The monsters are real, imaginary and sometimes they are me. I am not interested in pity or anything of the sort. This is just my way of letting go of my past. A way to rid myself of the monsters that linger inside. if I project the monsters on to the blog - they can no longer plant themselves within my psyche. My inner child is not growing. She is holding me back - her fear is my in action. No I am not blaming everything wrong that I’ve ever done (or even things I should have done but didn't) on outside causes. This is the only way I know how to take responsibility, the only way I know how to 'get over' or release the monsters that have been living in my life for all these years.

This is my way of taking my life back. I don't expect to 'recover' exactly. I just don't want my thinking to be dominated by thoughts rape, incest and molestation. By thoughts of inferiority. By thoughts of shame. Not that it's something that everyone should know but wait why not? Why is it so personal to me? Why do I guard this part of my life so secretly? I’m afraid that people will find out - why? Oh the shame of not being able to control what happens to you. It’s really very life altering.

Growing up biracial (and poor) in a predominately white (and rich) community was in itself a soul mangling experience. Or maybe it is the very reason my world became so littered with sexual monsters. Soul stealing demons. Perhaps it was the excitement of conquering a 'non white piece of ass' or a total disregard for the life of a 'mulatto' girl. Whatever it was, it has left me with a scar the size of my soul.

I have no recollection of my last innocent moment. No memories of that last thought before I was raped. Before my innocence was so horribly stripped from me.

there's a tori amos song which says:

You can laugh
It’s kind of funny
Things you think
Times like these
Like I haven't seen
BARBADOS so I
Must get out of this

It’s true, the things that go through your head sometimes during, after and way after. I remember one day realizing that I must have cleaned up the 'mess' after. I must have done away with my clothes. But yet I have no recollection of the moment and I was only 9. But these are the questions you're left with. Why should I ever have to think of such things?!

pieces of innocence
kicked to the wayside
hammered flat.
rendering the former
owner incomplete.

.... Well that's a start - most of it was written in Oct 2004. Not every passage will be so heavy but my life has been very f*#ckin; heavy. I need somewhere to unload it; this seems as good a place as any. I wondered at first if I should leave this blog as being public, heck I even get a bit of traffic from blogexplosion.com - I won't hide these thoughts from the world. The shame needs not to be mine, not any longer. The mindless space of the web comes in handy again. Maybe I’ll develop my own cult following and then I’ll be all set to take over the world! Well there goes that secret - ssshhhhhhh.

I was going to start of this post with an apology but considering this blog is for me - I’d only truly be apologizing to myself and well that's just silly. Instead of being sorry I’m going to make a commitment to post to this blog, something at least once a week.

When I started this blog I wanted to post my writing, I actually wanted to turn it into it's own novel. A healing experience of sorts. As soon as I set out to do this I immediately stalled - the writing that I am going to post is of a highly personal matter. I have so many ideas; I have trouble juggling what to write down.

See the thing is I also have a personal blog and I’m having trouble deciding which goes where. So I have laid down my ground rules and they are: anything that is creative in nature will be posted to this blog anything else; rants, theories, or whatever else I come up with will be posted to moBLOG!

I wrestled with whether or not I should be posting any of my criminology thoughts, ideas or research here - it just doesn't fit with the tone of the blog so this will also be posted to moBLOG! (eventually to have it's own section on that blog)

So that is my promise to myself, because whether it appears that way or not - this blog (all personal blogs) are really for the individual. A virtual journal that gets feedback - what a fantastic notion.

I’m thankful to the effect that I’m no longer 19 y/o because what I wrote in my private diary at that age was really rather sexual. It was all about drinking and sex. Maybe it still is - not for me it isn’t. Good thing I wrote something down during that time in my life or I would have absolutely no recollection of those years.

Now that I’m sober(er)...

What about our teenage years? They were my most turbulent and most creative. Is it that we have more time? More headspace? Or it is simply that the drudgery of high school lends itself seamlessly to creative whereas working a 9-5 (customer service) job dulls those senses?

Having recently taken a day off work, I know very certainly that days not spent at work are far more creative in nature. When I arrive home from work during the week, after having been yelled at by customers all day long - my level of creativity is at an all time low.
Enough talking. I will back this evening with a post. That is my promise to myself. I will be publishing a stream-of-consciousness type thingy that I wrote on the way back from my best friend's; while riding the via rails. I love the taking the train.