cheekee.monkee

here we wonder
there we wane
sit back relax
let peace
take over again

Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around
Me, I think it all depends on you touching ground with us.
But, I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody elseit seems.
And I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.
And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say goodbye.
Everything is temporary anyway.
When the streets are wet -- the color slip into the sky.
But I don't know why that means you and I are-
that means you and....
I quit -- I give up.
Nothin's good enough for anybody else it seems.
But I quit. I give up.
Nothing's good enough for anybody else it seems.
And being alone is the best way to be.
When I'm by myself it's the best way to be.
When I'm all alone it's the best way to be.
When I'm by myself nobody else can say...
Me, I'm a part of your circle of friends
and we notice you don't come around.

--Edie Brickell

this is my horoscope for today ... it ties in sweetly to my previous post .. BTW my friend is also an aries!

Aries (March 21 — April 20)

Since nothing in this world ever stays in balance, it leaves us no choice but to accept a state of perpetual imbalance. Having recently swung to one extreme, events are causing you to lurch back in the opposite direction. Stick with it. Stability will return.

okay so i have this best friend, we've been best friends since high school ... she lives in the U.S. with her family (consisting of husband, son, unborn daughter and dog). i love her like nobody's business. our lives are in such different places though. that's no problem, it happens right? well it's all okay until i come to visit - the problem is that they are all in bed by 10pm and i'm usually going out then, hey i'm a single 30-something chick - this is the life i choose. the problem is that i'm bored out of my freakin mind when i'm here because she is usually working all day or at the very least on the phone with work. so the evenings give way to a great dinner and maybe some cards, that's the excitement of it!

i should be happy just to see her, i know but i'm not anymore. i know it's selfish but sometimes i'd really just like to hang out with her. without all the distractions. that would be possible if she ever came to visit me, oh wait there was that one time...

it bothers me more then i have ever admitted that she thinks because i'm single i should be leaving my life for a week to come here and watch hers. it sounds horrible and i feel about that guilty but it's gotta stop! i'm starting to become resentful of it all.

oh yeah it's best when i visit and their fighting. i'm not sure which is worse the fighting or the over indulgent making up; where everything is about them and oh wait here i am on the outside. it's just become too much and it needs to stop.

she's having a baby in november and i'll visit for the weekend then, but after that ... the ball is in her court. i won't be back for quite awhile. i feel that we're growing apart and i'm not sure there's much that can be done about it right now. she needs to be here for her family but i don't. if when i came here we chatted or did something; maybe that wouldn't be so bad but most of my time is spent with either her husband or her son (or both) and the rest of the time is spent with the whole family. it's not fun anymore. okay it never really was but i love her.

i'm not saying the frienship is ending because it's not - i'm saying it's changing. these are all her changes but somehow i'm suppose to make up for them. perhaps that's what a bestfriend is for but 5 years later - i'm about done.

“True friendship is when two friends can walk in opposite directions, yet remain side by side.”

i added the above quote .. because it is exactly how i feel right now. we are walking in very opposite directions but still i will not leave her nor will she leave me. i need to live my life for me. she knows something is changing as well, she has become jealous and somewhat concerned that i'm done with her. however, instead of enjoying the time we could have spent together; she was doing everything other then that. whatever game we were playing is not a game either of us are going to win. i'm sad and it feels like even when we're in the same room we are miles apart.

Almost everything – all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
--Steve Jobs

...very well put, it's really too bad we don't enjoy what we have when we have it! always too busy trying to figure out what else we could have, why we don't have it and how we can go about getting it! what a complete waste of time. if you do nothing - always enjoy the people you are surrounded by; there will come a time they will not be around.

my niece explained to me that her biggest worry is that she is fat. okay so she's turning 13 and is nowhere near even chubby. why is that the biggest concern of a girl her age? i guess that's what comes of living in a world of excess. we have no basic needs to concern ourselves with any more. no fields to sow. we are living in a world of too much: too much time, too much food, too much money, too much things ... we are losing track at a rapid rate of what's important.

if you do anything today - take stock of what/who you really couldn't live without and act accordingly. admittedly, this is hard to remember every minute of every day but i try to remember this whenever i can.

so here i am 33 and still the monsters hold me tight. just when i think i've broken free enough to move on. they sit in waiting for just one weakness, one small window to be cracked.

i guess if i weren't 33 i could still blame them - i can't. it's all on me now and i'm just not strong enough sometimes. all it takes a marginal images of doubt and my self-esteem already slipping; slips, falls and makes a fool of itself. so needy. never enough love to combat the violence i inflict upon myself.

i know better - i do. i've said all the things to young girls. expecting them to believe something i cannot! it's hard to know how to build a self when that self was rendered damaged so long before it ever had a chance to develop. who would i have been? i don't care. it made me who i am today and so much of that is good. it's the yearly lapses that just take hold. always around the same time and i'm also caught unaware. how is that possible? every year i think - no, i think i'm good to go - no sign of pain and torment and then they arrive in their wagon of guilt and shame, kicking up dust laced with anger and self-hate.

i never ask for help - my job is to help. who can i ask? who wants to listen to all this bullshit?! i don't anymore. i just want it all to go away. i want to wake up tomorrow and not be an adult survivor of childhood sexual abuse. can't i just have that? just that! i don't need to be rich or pretty or fall in love even or have kids or have a house or have much of anything but just that one thing i know i can never have...that's all that i desire. to wake up, look in the mirror and not see that little girl that was raped, abused and left. i was like that old dirty rag that well you may as well use one more time - it's already damaged. that's me damaged

the darkness surrounds me
threatens to swallow me whole
to take to hold of my senses

the struggle has worn on me
once a fight of brute strength
a mental match of sorts unfolds

my anger the king
my pain the queen
my confidence the rook

i teeter and i totter
one mood to the next
on into the abyss