cheekee.monkee

Here I am 32 years into my life... I've been told that soon things will go downhill. Soon I'll want children and it will be too late. Many people have given many bits of advice - they think might be useful. Only none of it matters to me. What if I don't have the same needs as others? What if I am happy single and childless? There are many children in my life - I love them all, I prefer to play then to take care of. That is what I have chosen. I don't want what others have. I'm not saying my everyday existence is perfect - like a computer I need to be tweaked now and then.

I can't imagine how things can go downhill. I'm still surprised I'm living at 32. I should have been another statistic - suicide, drug addict, pregnant at 16. I sometimes just feel lucky to have made it this far. I don't look back at any period in my life thus far and regret or feel saddened. I've survived. If nothing else at times, I survived myself. I was raised in love. Sacrifices were made for me. I feel joy at the mere glow of these bits.

I also love that people are still making inventive hair care products. What, you say? This is a very important thing for me. I have big hair. I don't have necessarily thick hair or a lot of hair but somehow there it all is. I found the best product: lacoupe salon - perfect curls. It's curl contouring cream with frizz control - and yes it works! With no stickiness or hard crusties.

the blue jays are doing well - this also makes me happy. Life sans Carlos seems happier for them then for me. He was sweet with big ass grin and his beautiful face. Okay that's a little too far now. I should take my nephew to a game this year. Believe I might try my hand a rollerblading this summer. I use to play ice hockey a long time ago but I haven't been on skates since I was in Grade 12 - I was 17. I believe I am capable of relearning old tricks. At least I hope so - I might want to remember these feelings of comfort.

Now 32 years into my life.... I realize I need to learn to be softer. To close the physical/emotional gap between me and the world. I've begun noticing in pictures of old a gap between my and everyone else. It's the oddest thing to encounter at this point in your life. That is what I will be working on TRUST. It is a big scary word for me.

I've also learned that my niece and nephew, no matter how old will always need my affection. Even my nephew who likes to fight me for and against it. With them I can play like a child and get away with it. As long as I do right by them and my mom - everything is okay.

So here I am 32 years into my life and grow hungry for my past. Not the one I know, but that of my father's. Not the man who adopted me as his but the man from which I came. I do not feel the need to know him, just that part of me. Time to dig me hole and pull at my roots.